


shitpost central 2

by absoluteTomfoolery



Series: shitpost central (and their adventures) [3]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe, Asexual Pidge | Katie Holt, Dancer Lance (Voltron), Established Hunk/Shay (Voltron), Established Keith/Lance (Voltron), Established Shiro/Matt, Gender-Neutral Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Group chat, Multi, Roommates, Texan Keith (Voltron), Texting, esmeralda mention, hot topic employee Keith, oh my god they were roommates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2019-06-15 01:03:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15401523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/absoluteTomfoolery/pseuds/absoluteTomfoolery
Summary: the only excusable form of night writing is texting ficsso here i am, and here it is(after my first mediocre attempt at a voltron fic,this isthe sequel..........'s sequel.)





	1. keith's emo poetry creations archive

**Author's Note:**

> hey you baaaad bitches!!! shitpost central 1 was well received, and now allura lives somewhere new. this is where the Gang is gonna spending their summers! no school for these gays. love it.
> 
> if youre new to the shitpost central universe, go check out the rest of the series!!!! uwu thanks for reading nya'll
> 
> ANYWAY Y'ALL KNOW HOW THIS WORKS ;)
> 
> shitpost central:  
> trynadie >> ann  
> knifeman >> ifuckingdied  
> lanceylance >> goblinman  
> princessmonstertruck >> leslie  
> pidgey >> pidgeonator3000  
> hunkydory >> hunkofgorgeous  
> mattholt >> matterbaby
> 
> 1on1 chats will have username switches stated clearly

_**shitpost central** _

**goblinman:** ok so i know its late everyone but like

 **pidgeonator3000:** literally WHAT can you have to say the night before we go to allura's. what is it. what

 **goblinman:** ok first of all 1) attitude? out the door

 **goblinman:** second of all 2) backstreet boys came out with a new song 

 **hunkofgorgeous:** OH SHIT

 **goblinman:** YEAAAAHHHHH

 **pidgeonator3000:** hunk What The Fuck?

 **hunkofgorgeous:** i LOVE backstreet boys

 **hunkofgorgeous:** theyre my husbands

 **pidgeonator3000:** ok the ONE NIGHT i try to go to sleep early 

 **ifuckingdied:** i smell a lie

 **ifuckingdied:** pidge literally WHAT are you talking about i SEE you on skype with esmeralda

 **goblinman:** PIDGE???

 **pidgeonator3000:** SHUT UP DUDE

 **goblinman:** SHES SUPPOSED TO BE ASLEEP AND APPARENTLY SO ARE YOU

 **pidgeonator3000:** esme said shut up

 **goblinman:** SHE CAN JUST SAY THAT TO ME HERSELF!!

 **goblinman:** i

 **goblinman:** she. said it to me herself.

 **ifuckingdied:** LMAOO

 **goblinman:** its a bittersweet moment. because my boyfriend is laughing at me but he also exposed pidge. so,

 **ifuckingdied:** i exposed pidge for the sake of exposing her i rarely get these opportunities

 **pidgeonator3000:** oh?

 **hunkofgorgeous:** oh no

 **ifuckingdied:** i laughed at u because i love seeing u get roasted by your sister

 **goblinman:** I Will Remember That When We Share A Bed At Allura's

 **ifuckingdied:** NO

 **pidgeonator3000:** see Keith, u mentioned that exposing me was a rare opportunity right

 **ifuckingdied:**... yes

 **pidgeonator3000:** did you know murder is also a rare opportunity?

 **ifuckingdied:** i dont like where this is going

 **pidgeonator3000:** do you know why people who are perfectly willing and capable of doing it dont do it?

 **hunkofgorgeous:** oh god

 **ifuckingdied:** because its literally terrible??

 **pidgeonator3000:** no.

 **pidgeonator3000:** its because of the negative consequences.

 **hunkofgorgeous:** she broke out punctuation dude run

 **goblinman:** fuck babe im so sorry,, i love you

 **ifuckingdied:** WHATS HAPPENING???

 **pidgeonator3000:** just because an opportunity is rare does not mean you should take it. because it could yield negative consequences.

 **ifuckingdied:** PIDGE........

 **ann:** i sensed my little brother being roasted from my sleep whats happening

 **ann:** oh god shes using buildup

 **ann:** keith im so sorry im so glad i got to have you as a little brother

 **goblinman:** Mr. Stark I Don't Feel So Good

 **matterbaby:** IS PIDGE.... DOING SOMETHING EVIL..... WITH FLAIR.....??

 **matterbaby:** im literally so fucking proud

 **leslie:** every time. every time it is this fucking demon chat that wakes me from my peaceful slumber

 **leslie:** What Unholy Energy Has Unhinged You All This Dark Night

 **pidgeonator3000:** You Should Have Thought About The Negative Consequences Of Your Actions Keith

 **leslie:** OH??

 **ifuckingdied:** im gonna fucking die

 **pidgeonator3000:** EVERYONE,

 **hunkofgorgeous:** OH SHIT HERE IT COMES

 **pidgeonator3000:** I PRESENT TO YOU,,

 **goblinman:** ohhhh shittttt

 **pidgeonator3000:** [gayemofiles.doc]

 **pidgeonator3000:** KEITH'S....

 **pidgeonator3000:** POETRY CREATIONS ARCHIVE

 **ifuckingdied:** NO!!!!!!!!!

 **hunkofgorgeous:** OH. MY GOD

 **ann:** KEITH?

 **matterbaby:** OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD 

 **leslie:** SKSKSKSKSKSKKSKSSK

 **goblinman:** BABE........... BABE......

 **ifuckingdied:** HOW DID YOU GET THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **pidgeonator3000:** I Knew One Day You Would Forsake Me

 **pidgeonator3000:** So I Keep Files On All Of My Friends

 **pidgeonator3000:** You Should Not Have Left Your Laptop Open and Unlocked On July 27th 2017.

 **ann:** PIDGE.... I

 **pidgeonator3000:** Not Only Does This Serve As Your Punishment

 **pidgeonator3000:** But It Also Serves As a Grim Reminder That None of You

 **pidgeonator3000:** Should Ever Fuck With Me

 **goblinman:** WHY ARE SEVEN OF THESE TITLED LANCE

 **ifuckingdied:** BABE PLEASE NO... THEY'RE SO TERRIBLE.... DON'T READ THEM...

 **goblinman:**.... i read them

 **ifuckingdied:** PLEASE DONT BREAK UP WITH ME

 **goblinman:**........... come to my room

 **ifuckingdied:** PIDGE YOU RUINED MY LIFE

 **hunkofgorgeous:** i..... am going to go to sleep while i can because I Have a Feeling

 **hunkofgorgeous:** that these two are going to make noise so Where Are My Earbuds

 **pidgeonator3000:** suffer

 **pidgeonator3000:** That's What You Get For Interrupting My Skype Call With My Beautiful Girlfriend

 **goblinman:** your WHAT now

 **pidgeonator3000:** esmeralda has also received a copy of this file.

 **ifuckingdied:** pidge you literally destroyed my relationship and HUMILIATED ME to lance's little sister

 **goblinman:** who said she destroyed our relationship

 **ifuckingdied:** HUH

 **goblinman:** bring a change of clothes for tomorrow ;)

 **ifuckingdied:** OH!!!!!

 **matterbaby:** i LITERALLY just watched keith zoom the fuck out

 **matterbaby:** [OMW.gif]

 **pidgeonator3000:** did.... my evil stunt just....... get him laid.....

 **ann:** Show Me Less Of This

 **leslie:** i will LITERALLY be holding this over his head until the end of time. you gave all of us ammo. pidge youre a godsend

 **pidgeonator3000:** Well At Least I Did That

 **matterbaby:** besides how would you have know that lance would actually LIKE the poems

 **pidgeonator3000:** AJDJFKFHJD "your eyes are as blue as the sky / and sometimes i stare at the sky to remember you / and i scream i love you / and i am kicked out of the duck park" IS THE DUCK PARK A METAPHOR OR??????????

 **ann:** LMAO

 **leslie:** This Is Why Keith Isn't An English Major

 **pidgeonator3000:** LMAOOO

 **matterbaby:** anyway go to sleep pidge we have a long trip ahead of us

 **pidgeonator3000:** literally its only 1 hour 30 mins at MOST by train Who????

 **matterbaby:** sleep or i suffocate you

 **pidgeonator3000:** Read 1:54 AM

 **matterbaby:** Why Do I Try To Put My Foot Down When She Can Just Cut It Off

 **ann:** im disconnecting the wifi

 **pidgeonator3000:** GOODNIGHT

 **matterbaby:** BAAAABEEEE

 **leslie:** SKSKSKSK GOODNIGHT I CANT WAIT TO SEE YOU ALL TOMORROW!!!!!!


	2. chugga chugga choo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> goblinman: ALL ABOARD THE CHOO CHOO TRAIN  
> leslie: SHIT!  
> leslie: ALL ABOARD THE CHOO CHOO TRAIN  
> matterbaby: ALL ABOARD THE CHOO CHOO TRAIN  
> goblinman: ALL ABOARD! ALL ABOARD! CHOO CHOO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had to include adam in there  
> wait until we get to james griffin  
> and i WISH i could incorporate the taylor joke but sighs i dont know how

_**shitpost central** _

**goblinman:** i am filled with the Extreme urge

 **hunkofgorgeous:** no please

 **goblinman:** to SING at the TOP of my lungs,,,

 **pidgeonator3000:** the behavior you exhibited was loser like. the theatre kid jumped out

 **goblinman:** ALL ABOARD THE CHOO CHOO TRAIN

 **leslie:** SHIT!

 **leslie:** ALL ABOARD THE CHOO CHOO TRAIN

 **matterbaby:** ALL ABOARD THE CHOO CHOO TRAIN

 **goblinman:** ALL ABOARD! ALL ABOARD! CHOO CHOO

 **leslie:** What a Throwback

 **hunkofgorgeous:** hey funny you should mention

 **hunkofgorgeous:** because it says that choo choo soul is still ongoing

 **goblinman:** HUH

 **pidgeonator3000:** what the hell r u talking about

 **hunkofgorgeous:** yeah choo choo soul (2006-)

 **goblinman:** What the Fuck

 **goblinman:** grrr if only keith was awake we could binge for the rest of the train ride

 **pidgeonator3000:** i didnt know he was asleep i thought he was listening to music

 **goblinman:** see he Was but now hes not responding to any poking so im just gonna assume hes asleep

 **matterbaby:** never become a doctor

 **ann:** Golly Doc I Sure Do Hope My Brother's Still Alive

 **goblinman:** well i did wear him out last night ;)

 **pidgeonator3000:** LANCE!

 **ann:** LANCE!

 **hunkofgorgeous:** LANCE!!

 **matterbaby:** SKSKSKSKSK 

 **goblinman:** gasp keith mumbled something

 **goblinman:** oh 

 **goblinman:** he said he loves me what a big uwu

 **hunkofgorgeous:** That'd Be Adorable If You Hadn't Just Mentioned Having Sex With Him

 **goblinman:** i think it makes it MORE adorable

 **leslie:** anyway when is the Gang of Gays getting here

 **ann:** we really DO travel in packs huh

 **matterbaby:** RIP

 **leslie:** oh btw shiro adam called me?

 **ann:** HUH

 **goblinman:** *gasp* ADAM!

 **matterbaby:**??? adam??? why would he call u??

 **hunkofgorgeous:** whos adam??

 **ann:**......... my ex fiance

 **hunkofgorgeous:** YOUR W H O

 **matterbaby:** yep :/

 **goblinman:** WHEN were you going to tell us about this!!

 **ann:** allura, keith, and matt know who he is but since we barely met you like two years ago, well, 

 **ann:** we cut off our engagement threeeeeeee and a half?? years ago?? maybe four now

 **matterbaby:** yeah it was so bad

 **ann:** i was in a rly dark place for a while :/

 **pidgeonator3000:** whats his last name

 **ann:** no pidge please dont hack him

 **pidgeonator3000:** no i just wanna know more about him

 **ifuckingdied:** adam was actually the one that cut off the engagement

 **goblinman:** WHEN DID YOU WAKE UP

 **ifuckingdied:** three seconds ago

 **goblinman:** good morning sleepyhead <3 

 **ifuckingdied:** good morning <3

 **ifuckingdied:** anyway adam broke up with shiro because he got a really, really good job opportunity on the east coast and he wanted us to move out with him there

 **ifuckingdied:** he was rly considerate actually he even researched schools for me and everything

 **ifuckingdied:** but shiro decided to stay back and focus on his recovery and adam took it really well, they parted on good terms

 **ann:** yeah we did! we're still good friends

 **ifuckingdied:** but theyve kind of like. never spoken since then

 **ifuckingdied:** sometimes hell check up on me! good man

 **goblinman:** the idea of you almost moving away to the east coast before i met you is... frightening

 **ifuckingdied:** Every Time I Look At You I Am Grateful Adam Broke Shiro's Heart

 **ann:** thank you

 **ann:** honestly speaking i am also grateful he broke up with me bc now i am with matt and i am the happiest i have ever been ever

 **matterbaby:** I Love You

 **ann:** but anyway why did he call you

 **leslie:** ummmmmmm

 **ann:**.......... allura

 **leslie:** he asked how you were doing, uh,

 **ann:**.................. Allura,,,,,

 **leslie:** and i told him you were fine and coming over this summer with your Boyfriend Matt

 **matterbaby:** ATTA GIRL

 **leslie:** and then he mentioned something really funny!!! hahahaha

 **ann:** What Is It.

 **leslie:** that hes. um. looking for a house in Arus!

 **pidgeonator3000:** This Popcorn I Just Bought Is a Great Snack For Watching a Drama Unfold

 **ann:** oh 

 **leslie:** I TOLD HIM that since arus is relatively small theres not much real estate nearby

 **leslie:** its super small but its near a lot of cities

 **ann:** allura i

 **leslie:** he hadnt. known that i lived here now

 **leslie:** until i mentioned you were visiting me

 **ann:** allura im not. that concerned

 **ifuckingdied:** lmao when i say they parted on good terms i mean it

 **ifuckingdied:** adam was a cool guy

 **ann:** i dont like. hate him

 **goblinman:** eyes emoji

 **matterbaby:** are u sure shiro? you were really sad for a while

 **ann:** i mean yeah but we were together for years 

 **ann:** if you broke up with me i dont know what id do with myself

 **matterbaby:** shiro..... wtf......

 **pidgeonator3000:** shiro....... i just found adam on fb.....

 **goblinman:** ew he has an fb #cancelled

 **hunkofgorgeous:** omg pidge sent me a pic

 **ann:** pidge why

 **pidgeonator3000:** shiro you have a nerd kink

 **ann:** EXCUSE ME

 **pidgeonator3000:** OK LIKE. MATT is a HUGE fucking dweeb and ADAM literally looks like he should be on the big bang theory

 **hunkofogorgeous:** PIDGE THAT WAS SO MEAN AND RUDE WHY WOULD U EVER SAY HE BELONGS ON THE BIG BANG THEORY

 **leslie:** youve crossed the line

 **pidgeonator3000:** bet he gets picked last for kickball

 **goblinman:** SKSKSKKSKSKS

 **ifuckingdied:** adam was really smart actually

 **ifuckingdied:** hed help me with my homework

 **ifuckingdied:** whenever i felt like sitting down and doing it anyway

 **matterbaby:** keith i could help you with your homework

 **ifuckingdied:** no thanks

 **goblinman:** eyes emoji

 **ann:** anyway why is he moving back to cali??

 **leslie:** he said something about some promotion and also winning back the love of his life?

 **matterbaby:** WHAT

 **leslie:** jk

 **matterbaby:** DONT JOKE LIKE THAT I CANT COMPETE WITH HIM

 **ann:** ya u cant 

 **matterbaby:** :'(

 **ann:** cant compete in a race uve already won

 **matterbaby:** :D

 **pidgeonator3000:** Gross

 **ifuckingdied:** rip

 **goblinman:** thats adorable

 **goblinman:** keith

 **ifuckingdied:** yes babe

 **goblinman:** what would u do if there was a competition for my heart

 **ifuckingdied:** id kill all the other competitors

 **pidgeonator3000:** #inspo

 **goblinman:** o-ok

 **hunkofgorgeous:** if shay was the princess on top of a tower and i had to rescue her id do it in a heartbeat but odds are shed find a way to outsmart the dragon guardian before i got there

 **leslie:** BIG mood

 **leslie:** anyway he was just mostly checking in to say hi

 **ann:** cool, well, if you talk to him again tell him i said hi back

 **goblinman:** gasps we're almost here

 **leslie:** SWEET im omw lemme just get my keys n ill pick u up at the station

 **leslie:** see u in a bit gays


	3. FUCK james griffin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hunkofgorgeous: omg what does keith have to say about all this
> 
> ifuckingdied: what did he look like
> 
> goblinman: mm well his brown hair kinda flopped to one side, lightskin, tall, he had well defined features
> 
> ifuckingdied: oh cool yeah i BEAT HIS ASS when i was in high school

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im such a fucking adashi / shadam stan its literally shoving aside my shatt tendencies
> 
> but in this fic shatt prevails

_**shitpost central** _

**goblinman:** as always castle altea is on a scale of 1-10 10 being the most beautiful a 3456789

 **leslie:** u can thank amintah for that

 **leslie:** i dont know how she does it but she does and she does it great

 **hunkofgorgeous:** every time i walk into your kitchen i cry

 **hunkofgorgeous:** its so beautiful. so so beautiful

 **pidgeonator3000:** allura i didnt know u had a home theatre

 **pidgeonator3000:** see u in 2 weeks guys

 **leslie:** it is at ur disposal pidge

 **matterbaby:** i forgot how big the bedrooms are

 **matterbaby:**... are the walls soundproof

 **leslie:** when we began to do restoration i made a couple of them soundproof

 **leslie:** yours is, for sure

 **ifuckingdied:** im so tired

 **goblinman:** do u want me to nap with you babe

 **ifuckingdied:** no

 **ifuckingdied:** and before u gasp 

 **ifuckingdied:** its because i wont be able to sleep if youre there cuz ill just start like. wanting to make out with you

 **ifuckingdied:** and i need my rest. im trying to exercise self control

 **goblinman:** understandable tbh ig im just so irresistable

 **ifuckingdied:** you really are

 **leslie:** say lance would you like to go to the mall later

 **goblinman:** It's A Yes From Me Doll

 **leslie:** cool its like half an hour away but its all you can shop

 **leslie:** that way i can check on my oriande branch

 **goblinman:** your what now

 **leslie:** well you know how all of my spas are like "Altean Grotto"

 **goblinman:** yes

 **leslie:** well the branch south of here i renamed "Oriande Salon" bc we partnered with local makeup artists and turned it into a salon/spa

 **leslie:** since ive been going back n forth from LA to here well ive been investigating and evaluating the branches

 **leslie:** a lot of them were NOT being managed well and were NOT up to date jfc what an embarrassment

 **leslie:** so i upgraded them i suppose

 **goblinman:** SWEET yeah lets totally go

 **goblinman:** id invite keith but he needs his Sleepy Time <3

 **goblinman:** anyone else wanna join us?

 **hunkofgorgeous:** mmm im gonna make dinner

 **pidgeonator3000:** im gonna play doki doki in the movie room

 **matterbaby:** im gonna make out w shiro

 **ann:** im gonna make out w matt

 **leslie:**... WELL! since everyones booked, let's go in a bit

 **goblinman:**!!!!!!!

_**a few hours later** _

**leslie:** SKSKSKDJFHJKFSJHFKAJHFKJADHJHG OH MY GOD!!

 **goblinman:** OH MY GOD

 **leslie:** oh my god!!

 **ifuckingdied:**... what happened

 **leslie:** SO MUCH

 **ann:** Huh

 **matterbaby:** i was watching miraculous w shiro whats happening

 **pidgeonator3000:** sshh natsukis about to die

 **hunkofgorgeous:** dinners almost done :)

 **goblinman:** I LITERALLY I

 **leslie:** SHIRO

 **ann:** WHAT

 **leslie:** so many things happened but like three big ones

 **ann:** what is it

 **leslie:** first of all we bumped into adam

 **leslie:** and he said hi and i introduced him to lance

 **goblinman:** he is much more handsome in person actually

 **leslie:** and he says he is having his stuff sent over from new york and is currently staying at a hotel

 **leslie:** but get this

 **goblinman:** he was at a JEWLER'S

 **goblinman:** looking at RINGS

 **leslie:** but not just any ring

 **goblinman:** BUT NOT JUST ANY RING,

 **goblinman:** a Pair (2) of BANDS

 **matterbaby:** i

 **ann:** cool i didnt know he had a fiance already

 **pidgeonator3000:** i checked his fb he doesnt

 **leslie:** SOOOOOO methinks hes gonna try and win you back

 **ann:** thatd never happen

 **leslie:** dude adam was head over heels for you back in the day 

 **ann:** not gonna happen 

 **goblinman:** OK BUT THEN

 **goblinman:** RIGHT AFTER we bumped into adam we went into express

 **goblinman:** and i was waiting for allura to finish trying her clothes on and this guy comes up to me and introduces himself

 **goblinman:** his name was james griffin or w/e

 **goblinman:** and he was like "hey whatcha doin all alone over here"

 **hunkofgorgeous:** omg

 **ifuckingdied:** IM

 **goblinman:** SHHH and i was like "oh im waiting for my friend :)"

 **goblinman:** and he was like "oh good so youre single?"

 **ifuckingdied:** IM GONNA FUCKING

 **goblinman:** SHHH KEITH LISTEN and i was like "ahahaha no im taken :) my boyfriend just decided to stay home for the afternoon"

 **goblinman:** and he was like "thats a shame, his loss for missing out on how cute you look right now, but i guess its my gain"

 **hunkofgorgeous:** OMG

 **goblinman:** and then he like leaves and he gives me his number and i was like WTF just HAPPENED

 **ann:** oh my god keith

 **ifuckingdied:** LANCE,

 **leslie:** i walked out afterwards and lance was like "allura ur not gonna believe this"

 **hunkofgorgeous:** omg what does keith have to say about all this

 **ifuckingdied:** what did he look like

 **goblinman:** mm well his brown hair kinda flopped to one side, lightskin, tall, he had well defined features

 **ifuckingdied:** oh cool yeah i BEAT HIS ASS when i was in high school

 **goblinman:** WHAT

 **ifuckingdied:** GUESS IM GONNA FUCKING HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN

 **goblinman:** KEITH WH

 **ann:** LMAOOOO

 **ann:** i had to BEG the principal not to expel him

 **ann:** keith went HAM

 **ifuckingdied:** Motherfucker Thinks He Can Hit On My Boyfriend

 **ifuckingdied:** Did He Not Learn His Lesson

 **pidgeonator3000:** would you like me to track him for you

 **ifuckingdied:** go nuts pidge

 **goblinman:** KEITH IM

 **goblinman:** DUDE

 **leslie:** SKSKSKSK OK BUT U WANNA KNOW WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THAT

 **goblinman:** OMG YES

 **leslie:** OK so we went to H&M and we were just looking at clothes n lance was helping me pick stuff out

 **leslie:** and this woman comes up to me with her daughter

 **goblinman:** SKSKSKS

 **leslie:** and her daughter looked like she was like. 23 or smthn she looked younger than me but certainly not a teenager

 **goblinman:** she was hiding behind a rack it was so cute sksksk

 **leslie:** and her mom comes up to me right and shes like excuse me im sorry to bother you but my name is luxia and this is my daughter plaxum

 **leslie:** and i was like oh hello im allura this is lance

 **leslie:** and THEN shes like i just wanted to tell you that my daughter thinks youre very attractive but shes too shy to actually come up to you

 **goblinman:** on god i thought i heard the girl start crying

 **hunkofgorgeous:** AWWW WTF

 **leslie:** AND THEN the lady pulled out her phone and she was like see this is her im gonna show you photos since shes hiding behind clothing

 **leslie:** and ngl. she was hot

 **leslie:** AND THEN SHE FUCKING "would you like for me to give you her phone number"

 **goblinman:** SKSKSKSKSK THE POOR GIRL

 **leslie:** and ofc i said yes bc who wouldnt want that cute girls phone number

 **leslie:** im gonna text her in a bit

 **matterbaby:** what a wingwoman

 **ann:** matttt come back to bed

 **matterbaby:** WAIT i need to finish this episode

 **ann:** :(

 **ifuckingdied:** lance im never leaving you alone in public again

 **goblinman:** SKSKSKSK WHY

 **ifuckingdied:** im seething with rage how dare he try to hit on you

 **ifuckingdied:** my mortal enemy

 **goblinman:** awww r u jealous

 **ifuckingdied:** YES i AM im so mad i wanna punch a hole in this wall

 **leslie:** please dont

 **goblinman:** thats kind of hot

 **pidgeonator3000:** christ

 **goblinman:** u know my heart only belongs to you baby <3

 **ifuckingdied:**... come back to our room

 **goblinman:** DONT GOTTA TELL ME TWICE

 **leslie:** and hes gone

 **leslie:** IM gonna go text plaxum uwu

**_(trynadie) mysoulmate >>> (mattholt) loveofmylife_ **

**mysoulmate:** hey matt you ok?

 **loveofmylife:** yeah im alright

 **mysoulmate:** are you sure my love?

 **loveofmylife:** How Can You Say Two Words And Then Make Me Start Crying

 **mysoulmate:** tell me whats wrong baby

 **loveofmylife:** idk i just. all this talk about adam kind of puts me on edge

 **loveofmylife:** i feel like. idk i feel like you and adam were such good friends and boyfriends that like im just

 **loveofmylife:** not to mention keith likes him better like im a fucking. idk lame step-dad

 **loveofmylife:** im just a replacement? like a temporary fill-in until he swoops in and steals you away

 **loveofmylife:** idk i feel like hes so much better than me and im just. idk

 **mysoulmate:** matt thats not true

 **mysoulmate:** i love you with all of my heart and all of my soul

 **mysoulmate:** i choose you and ill keep choosing you because youre the man i want to be with

 **mysoulmate:** if i wanted to be with adam i wouldve waited for him, but i want to be with you

 **mysoulmate:** ill always want to be with you

 **loveofmylife:** shiro what the fuck

 **loveofmylife:** im crying

 **mysoulmate:** come out of the bathroom and get in bed baby ;)

 **loveofmylife:** On my way!

_**(lanceylance) fucker >>> (knifeman) miamor** _

**fucker:** were u seriously jealous over james griffin

 **miamor:** aside from him being my mortal enemy yes

 **miamor:** and i feel so horrible for it but i just. sometimes i catch people staring at you and i get so angry

 **fucker:** u know ill never leave u <3

 **miamor:** idk its just like. i always have this fear that youll find someone better

 **miamor:** and sometimes it goes away and you really help with them

 **miamor:** but then i see people like james checking you out and i get so MAD

 **miamor:** like. youre Mine and theyre gonna die in seven days

 **fucker:** keith i hear you and i love you and your feelings are valid

 **fucker:** if i ever felt like i wanted to leave you i would tell you but i 100% believe thats not happening ANY time soon

 **fucker:** and like. youre turning me on rn just so you know

 **miamor:**... i am

 **fucker:** god yeah

 **miamor:** ;)

_**(pidgey) fuckinggremlin >>> (knifeman) sasukewannabe** _

**fuckinggremlin:** keith i found his address, where he likes to hang out, his friends, everything

 **fuckinggremlin:** when do u want me to send u the file

 **fuckinggremlin:** keith

 **fuckinggremlin:** keeeeithttttthththht

 **sasukewannabe:** n ot nowe

 **fuckinggremlin:** wh are u ok

 **sasukewannabe:** per fe cntyly infeine

 **fuckinggremlin:** what are u

 **fuckinggremlin:** OH MY GOD UGH

 **fuckinggremlin:** EW ILL JUST SEND IT LATER GOD


	4. sexy mothman roleplay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> goblinman: i must learn to deal with the fact that i am always #2 in keith's heart...... with mothman being his #1.....
> 
> ifuckingdied: i
> 
> leslie: SKSKSKSKSK keiths idea of Sexy Roleplay is when lance dresses up as fucking mothman
> 
> matterbaby: ALLURA SKSKSKSKKSKSKSKS

_**shitpost central** _

**pidgeonator3000:** ok im gonna say this once and only once after this you all will Never mention this again ever

 **hunkofgorgeous:** shoot

 **pidgeonator3000:** i just watched all 13 episodes of violet evergarden,

 **hunkofgorgeous:** pidge its 8 AM

 **pidgeonator3000:** and i just want you all to know that i cried so hard i started screaming

 **matterbaby:** that was YOU?

 **matterbaby:** I THOUGHT THAT WAS THAT DOKI DOKI GAME

 **pidgeonator3000:** I Could Really Use a Hug Right Now

 **hunkofgorgeous:** EVERYBODY WAKE THE FUCK UP

**Missed video call from (hunkydory) hunkofgorgeous**

**Missed video call from (hunkydory) hunkofgorgeous**

**Missed video call from (hunkydory) hunkofgorgeous**

**Missed video call from (hunkydory) hunkofgorgeous**

**Missed video call from (hunkydory) hunkofgorgeous**

**Missed video call from (hunkydory) hunkofgorgeous**

**pidgeonator3000:** HUNK STOP NOT EVERYONE NEEDS TO KNOW

 **ifuckingdied:** im awake

 **goblinman:** jesus shit what happened

 **leslie:** Huh

 **ifuckingdied:** oh pidge

 **ifuckingdied:** im on my way where are you

 **matterbaby:** wheres my beautiful baby sibling

 **goblinman:** pidge im going too

 **pidgeonator3000:**... thank you

 **ann:** huhb

 **ann:** ok yes i am also on my way

 **pidgeonator3000:** i am still in the movie room

 **leslie:** let me just put on my robe

 **hunkofgorgeous:** ill get started on breakfast

 **goblinman:** hunk is jesus reincarnated

 **hunkofgorgeous:** thank you

 **pidgeonator3000:**... can we have pancakes

 **hunkofgorgeous:** YES pidge i will make you the best pancakes in the world

 **matterbaby:** before you make breakfast hunk come join the cuddle pile we are all suffocating pidge

 **matterbaby:** shiros arms are so strong 

 **pidgeonator3000:** yes

 **ifuckingdied:** hug.exe not found

 **goblinman:** stfu keith get over here

 **_later that morning_ ** **  
**

**pidgeonator3000:** thank you all for the 1) delicious breakfast and 2) comforting hugs

 **pidgeonator3000:** i just want to let you all know that what happened will not be repeating itself any time soon or perhaps any time at all

 **pidgeonator3000:** however it should be said that i appreciate you all as my

 **pidgeonator3000:** dear friends

 **matterbaby:** i can hear you actively struggle to send these messages

 **ann:** Let Them Speak

 **pidgeonator3000:** if any of you are to begin watching violet evergarden, please do so carefully, because the narrative was strong enough to move me to not just tears, but sobs, and also correct grammar

 **pidgeonator3000:** youve been warned

 **pidgeonator3000:** back to our regularly scheduled pidge

 **goblinman:** SKSKSKSK bet im adding it to my list

 **ifuckingdied:** Are You Sure You Want To Do That

 **goblinman:** u saying i cant take it???

 **ifuckingdied:** yes

 **goblinman:** GASP!!!!!!! the love of my life........ doubting me

 **ifuckingdied:** wtf im the love of your life

 **goblinman:** yes but also not the point

 **goblinman:** im gonna start watching it tonight and theres nothing you can do to stop me

 **ifuckingdied:** dont come crying to me when that show hurts you

 **goblinman:**...

 **ifuckingdied:** i

 **ifuckingdied:** ofc u can come crying to me babe you can always come crying to me 

 **goblinman:** uwu

 **pidgeonator3000:** ur so whipped

 **ifuckingdied:** i know rip

 **ann:** keith is a softie at heart. he wrote poetry for petes sake

 **matterbaby:** i remember when i killed that moth that was in his room when he was younger

 **ann:** LMAO he cried so hard

 **ifuckingdied:** NOT FUNNY

 **hunkofgorgeous:** NOT FUNNAY

 **goblinman:** i must learn to deal with the fact that i am always #2 in keith's heart...... with mothman being his #1.....

 **ifuckingdied:** i

 **leslie:** SKSKSKSKSK keiths idea of Sexy Roleplay is when lance dresses up as fucking mothman

 **matterbaby:** ALLURA SKSKSKSKKSKSKSKS

 **hunkofgorgeous:** DFGHJKHGHJKJHJJH

 **ann:** HAHAHAHA

 **pidgeonator3000:** SKSKSKSK

 **ifuckingdied:** STOP THATS NOT TRUE

 **ifuckingdied:** LANCE HELP ME OUT HERE THIS IS ON YOU TOO

 **goblinman:**... no comment

 **leslie:** OH MY GOD

 **matterbaby:** HHHHHHHHHH

 **ann:** KEITH...

 **hunkofgorgeous:** im SCARRED for LIFE

 **pidgeonator3000:** SKKSKSKSKSKSKSKKSKS WAIT WAIT

 **pidgeonator3000:** the roasting isnt powerful enough

_**(pidgey) pidgeonator3000 add esmeraldamcclain to the chat** _

_**esmeraldamcclain changed their name to god** _

**god:** What are my children doing?

 **god:** Oh.

 **god:** I see.

 **matterbaby:** FKJSNKDJFBGHKJDSFBGHKJDS

_**(esmeraldamcclain) god has left the chat** _

**leslie:** SKKSKSKSKSKS

 **ann:** LMAOO

 **matterbaby:** IM DYING

 **ifuckingdied:** END ME

 **goblinman:** You've Brought This Upon Yourself

 **pidgeonator3000:** IM DEAD, ITS OVER

 **hunkofgorgeous:** Why Must I Be Surrounded By These People Who Only Eat My Cooking And Describe Sexual Acts With Mothman

 **matterbaby:** SKKSKSKS

 **ann:** This Is How I Feel Every Day

 **ifuckingdied:** im devastated

 **pidgeonator3000:** this is so sad alexa play welcome to the black parade

 **ifuckingdied:** STOP

 **goblinman:** leave my mans alone i love him even if he does have a mothman fetish

 **leslie:** SKSKSKS

 **ifuckingdied:** please..... im dying squirtle

 **pidgeonator3000:** take all of this pain and humiliation and turn it into anger

 **ifuckingdied:** Huh

 **pidgeonator3000:** i just remembered i need to send u the james griffin file

 **ann:** Keith Do Not

 **matterbaby:** i doubt hes actually gonna go kill him

 **ifuckingdied:** I only need to learn his weaknesses

 **ifuckingdied:** so when i see him i can crush him

 **ifuckingdied:** i do not seek out the enemy when the enemy will come to me

 **ifuckingdied:** im sure of it

 **matterbaby:** Ok Sasuke

 **leslie:** SKKSKS

 **goblinman:** babe u rly dont gotta do this for me

 **ifuckingdied:** lance i would die AND kill for you at the Same Time 

 **ifuckingdied:** but independent of our relationship of which i would tear the earth apart for

 **ifuckingdied:** he is my mortal enemy. it is my Destiny to have him suffer at my hands

 **hunkofgorgeous:** keith calm down

 **pidgeonator3000:** this is what i like to hear. unadulterated chaos. pure rage

 **pidgeonator3000:** the file is sent

 **pidgeonator3000:** go. wreak havoc

 **ann:** do NOT wreak havoc absolutely do NOT

 **ifuckingdied:** i need only wait

 **goblinman:** i love you keith...

 **ifuckingdied:** i love you too

 **goblinman:**... but on god if you kill him ill have to kill someone too

 **hunkofgorgeous:** oh god

 **leslie:** buffoons.

 **ifuckingdied:** lance why......

 **goblinman:** because u cant go where i cant follow

 **pidgeonator3000:** UGH

 **leslie:** SHUT UP that was cringey

 **ann:** i think its sweet

 **matterbaby:** BLEGH

 **hunkofgorgeous:** itd be sweet if it wasnt about murder

 **ifuckingdied:** i wont kill him :(

 **goblinman:** yay!

 **_(lanceylance) fucker >>> (knifeman) miamor_ ** **  
**

**fucker:** hey babe!!

 **miamor:** yes lance

 **fucker:** we should go out on a lunch date :) we dont go out on dates very often

 **miamor:** come to think of it

 **miamor:** ur right we dont go out very often

 **fucker:** when i was out with allura she mentioned this new pizza place!! apparently they have really good garlic knots

 **fucker:** do u wanna go??

 **miamor:** sure let me just get my shoes

 **fucker:** SWEET 

**_one hour later_ **

_**shitpost central** _

**goblinman:** hey hunk

 **hunkofgorgeous:** yes lance

 **goblinman:** keith and i are headed back from our lunch date. where are the bandages

 **hunkofgorgeous:** every fucking time

 **leslie:** what happened now

 **ann:** who is hurt

 **matterbaby:** probably keith

 **pidgeonator3000:** thats the june mood

 **leslie:** lance probably sent that when he was parked. they must be on their way

 **hunkofgorgeous:** Why Cant We Ever Have One Normal Afternoon. Just One.

 **goblinman:** ok im at the front

 **ann:** that was quick

 **goblinman:** it was a nearby place! very good pizza, we brought leftovers in case anyone wants anything

 **goblinman:** also keith is bleeding :/

 **leslie:** ok but What Happened

 **goblinman:** oh we bumped into james

 **ifuckingdied:** i BEAT his ASS

 **goblinman:** he did

 **goblinman:** i tried to stop him!

 **ann:** Keith How Could This Have Happened

 **goblinman:** james was entering the establishment. keith and i were leaving the establishment.

 **goblinman:** since i walked out first james saw me and he was like oh hey the hottie from before

 **goblinman:** aaaaand then keith went nuts

 **ifuckingdied:** the look of surprise, then fear, then realization, then recognition, then stronger fear in his eyes

 **ifuckingdied:** it was. how you say. 

 **ifuckingdied:** fucking exquisite

 **goblinman:** im bringing him inside :( 


	5. chaos god showdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ann: hello esmeralda! how are u on this fine evening
> 
> gaygirl15: hey grandpa
> 
> pidgeonator3000: ur so fucking chaotic i love it
> 
> gaygirl15: chaos is my doman
> 
> matterbaby: hello esmeralda. we have yet to meet
> 
> gaygirl15: hello mathematics holt. that is true

_**(knifeman) miamor >>> (lanceylance) fucker** _

**miamor:** lance please come out of the bathroom

 **fucker:** no

 **miamor:** i said i was sorry

 **fucker:** and i said that i didnt want you to get hurt anymore

 **fucker:** we've already talked about this keith!!!

 **miamor:** i know and im sorry i shouldnt have kicked his ass

 **fucker:** keith >:(

 **miamor:** i just. hes someone ive hated for a very long time and to see him try to get with you just made me so mad

 **miamor:** so mad!! the idea of someone like that who'd constantly taunt me and demean me try to hit on you, one of the most important people in my life

 **fucker:** are you sure it was just anger?

 **miamor:** i guess

 **miamor:** i guess i was also afraid yknow

 **miamor:** because i also didnt really want you to see him and like, what my past was like with him, i guess?

 **miamor:** idk how to explain it but i was a really shitty kid and i was always getting into fights and i was mean and bitter all the time

 **miamor:** and i feel like ive changed a lot and youve made me a better person and now like, i dont wanna be faced with who i used to be

 **miamor:** because i feel like somehow ill become that person again? i dont know

 **fucker:** but fighting him wasnt the answer keith

 **fucker:** all it did was 1) make him fuckshit scared and 2) make ME fuckshit scared

 **fucker:** youll never devolve into who u used to be, youve changed too much and been through too much to do that

 **fucker:** confronting your past is also a part of growth

 **fucker:** not beating people up who u used to hate is also a part of growth

 **fucker:** if u keep fighting one day youre going to get really really hurt and im not gonna be able to defend you because i cant fight like you can

 **fucker:** and what if they call the police? or more people get involved? i cant lose you like that keith, i dont think i can lose you at all

 **miamor:** im sorry lance

 **miamor:** i hear you and i Promise i wont fight anyone again

 **fucker:** promise promise?

 **miamor:** promise promise

 **fucker:** im coming out of the bathroom

 **miamor:** i love you

 **fucker:** i love you too

**_shitpost central_ **

**hunkofgorgeous:** has klance made up

 **goblinman:** yes we have

 **ann:** good

 **matterbaby:** i got scared sksksk lance looked so mad

 **pidgeonator3000:** scared for what?? my bedrooms next to theirs. i doubt any breaking up would ever happen any time soon

 **ifuckingdied:** god

 **leslie:** glad everythings settled

 **leslie:** how was the pizza place

 **ifuckingdied:** pretty good actually

 **goblinman:** i nut

 **ifuckingdied:** nevermind

 **matterbaby:** seeing as its barely 4 in the afternoon shiro would you like to accompany me to the mall

 **ann:** yes i would like to accompany you to the mall matt

 **matterbaby:** yes i too would love to accompany you to the mall shiro

 **ann:** and i also would love to accompany you to the mall matt

 **pidgeonator3000:** stop

 **hunkofgorgeous:** im going to go Skype with my FIANCE

 **leslie:** ur FIANCE

 **goblinman:** ur FIANCE!

 **ifuckingdied:** shay

 **pidgeonator3000:** damn it keith

 **pidgeonator3000:** u know what im bored since everyone is trying to go off with their significant others im adding esmeralda

 **goblinman:** please dont

**_(pidgey) pidgeonator3000 added esmeraldamcclain to the chat_ **

**_esmeraldamcclain changed their name to gaygirl15_ **

**gaygirl15:** hey furries + allura

 **leslie:** hello my dear

 **gaygirl15:** [ _15 heart emojis]_

 **pidgeonator3000:** hello gorgeous gal

 **gaygirl15:** _[30 heart emojis]_

 **goblinman:** hello my beautiful sister

 **gaygirl15:** _[40 throw-up, angry, weeping emojis]_

 **goblinman:** i

 **ifuckingdied:** hey esme

 **gaygirl15:** hey mullet man

 **gaygirl15:** hows the mullet

 **ifuckingdied:** why do u do this

 **ann:** hello esmeralda! how are u on this fine evening

 **gaygirl15:** hey grandpa

 **pidgeonator3000:** ur so fucking chaotic i love it

 **gaygirl15:** chaos is my doman

 **matterbaby:** hello esmeralda. we have yet to meet

 **gaygirl15:** hello mathematics holt. that is true

 **leslie:** the tension is sending me

 **gaygirl15:** a chaos god meets another chaos god

 **matterbaby:** huh i dont see any other chaos gods here

 **gaygirl15:** hmm perhaps it is because of your -15 vision

 **pidgeonator3000:** this is riveting....... its like watching two snakes fight

 **leslie:** i love chaos

 **leslie:** hey esmeralda you should come over

 **gaygirl15:** oh worm?

 **leslie:** yeah just pack your things ill send u a plane ticket

 **goblinman:** DONT ENCOURAGE HER ABILITY TO RUN

 **gaygirl15:** ok ill start packing

 **leslie:** yeah and then you can fight matt irl

 **gaygirl15:** do i need to pack a swimsuit

 **leslie:** well DUH

 **gaygirl15:** sweet at what time should i be at the airport

 **goblinman:** ASK MOM FOR PERMISSION

 **gaygirl15:** sometimes u need to ask for forgiveness, not permission

 **goblinman:** MEME

 **hunkofgorgeous:** oh my god

 **gaygirl15:** lance why

 **ifuckingdied:** you call ur sister MEME

 **ann:** oh my god

 **gaygirl15:** ITS NOT PRONOUNCED 'MEEM' YOU FUCKING GRINGXS

 **gaygirl15:** ITS PRNOUNCED MEH-MEH OR I'LL-KILL-YOU

 **matterbaby:** this is priceless

 **pidgeonator3000:** esmeralda...... why havent u told me about this.....

 **goblinman:** ask for permission or i will

 **gaygirl15:** no you wont

 **goblinman:** aight bet

 **gaygirl15:** bet i just cracked her phone

 **pidgeonator3000:** SKSKSKSKKS UR SO FUCKING CHAOTIC

 **goblinman:** E S M E R A L D A!!!!!!!

 **leslie:** your flight leaves at 6:15 AM since i know you dont sleep

 **gaygirl15:** you get me

 **goblinman:** im sobbing

 **ifuckingdied:** he is, meme

 **hunkofgorgeous:** oh meme how we love you

 **goblinman:** im gonna have a heart attack please

 **gaygirl15:** ya relaxation allura and i r just fucking with you the trip was already planned mom knew we were just waiting until school was out

 **leslie:** i seized the opportunity to let u know otherwise i wouldve surprised you another way

 **ann:** you guys are too in sync its frightening

 **matterbaby:** i anxiously await our duel

 **gaygirl15:** wont be much of a duel if you ask me, defeat will be swift

 **matterbaby:** for you

 **gaygirl15:** no u

 **matterbaby:** no u

 **gaygirl15:** no u

 **matterbaby:** no u

 **pidgeonator3000:** i cant believe this

 **matterbaby:** pidge who will you help your gf or ur bro

 **pidgeonator3000:** is that even a question

 **gaygirl15:** uwu

 **pidgeonator3000:** my gf

 **gaygirl15:** BIG UWU

 **goblinman:** this is ugly

 **gaygirl15:** like you

 **ifuckingdied:** hey esmeralda

 **gaygirl15:** yes keitherton

 **ifuckingdied:** i was gonna thank u for roasting ur brother but then i realized 1) hed kick my ass and 2) u just said that

 **gaygirl15:** hmm well we can always just roast shiro for a bit

 **ann:** WHAT DID I DO NOW

 **leslie:** chaos god esmeralda strikes again

 **gaygirl15:** ill bet good money shiro died his floof white because he was too much of a coward to dye the whole thing white

 **ann:** STOP

 **ifuckingdied:** well

 **ann:** KEITH!!!

 **matterbaby:** SKSKSKSKS

 **gaygirl15:** imagine getting roasted by a teenager and actually having her be right

 **ann:** IM NOT A COWARD

 **matterbaby:** babe its ok.... i still love u even if ur a lil scaredycat

 **ann:** AIGHT BET?

 **matterbaby:** Oh

 **matterbaby:** OH HES GETTING HIS KEYS?

 **ifuckingdied:** ESMERALDA WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

 **gaygirl15:** i always get what i want and what i wanted was chaos

 **goblinman:** im still crying

 **ifuckingdied:** hes still crying


	6. the operation and the first distraction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> matterbaby: ESMERALDA 
> 
> gaygirl15: que quieres
> 
> matterbaby: YOU!!!!!!
> 
> gaygirl15: perdoname chiquito pero soy lesbiana y tengo 16 años
> 
> goblinman: SKSKSKKSKSKS

**_(trynadie) fucklord >>> (knifeman) littleshit_ **

**fucklord:** keith i need u to do me the biggest favor in the history of favors

 **littleshit:** what is it

 **fucklord:** i need you to ask pidge for matt's ring size

 **fucklord:** but DISCREETLY so that they dont tell him 

 **littleshit:** oh my god

 **littleshit:** youre gonna propose??

 **fucklord:** YES

 **fucklord:** i love him keith

 **fucklord:** and i wanna spend the rest of my life with him

 **littleshit:** happy for you bro

 **fucklord:** thanks bro

 **littleshit:** but uh

 **littleshit:** why dont u ask pidge

 **fucklord:** because they'll tell esmeralda and i dont know what she's gonna do 

 **littleshit:** youre really scared of a 16 year old

 **fucklord:** look ive already set a distraction so that when i propose he wont be expecting it. hopefully it doesnt affect his decision to say yes

 **littleshit:** whats the distraction wtf

**_shitpost central_ **

**matterbaby:** ESMERALDA 

 **gaygirl15:** que quieres

 **matterbaby:** YOU!!!!!!

 **gaygirl15:** perdoname chiquito pero soy lesbiana y tengo 16 años

 **goblinman:** SKSKSKKSKSKS 

 **matterbaby:** HUH???

 **gaygirl15:** what do you want white boy

 **matterbaby:** YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT WHITE??

 **matterbaby:** EXPLAIN TO ME WHY SHIRO RETURNED HOME WITH HAIR DYED WHITE

 **gaygirl15:** HIZZUK

 **pidgeonator3000:** [walmartratvinebutshirowithwhitehairontherat.mp4]

 **ann:** nobody calls me a coward

 **ifuckingdied:** SHIRO

 **leslie:** OH MY GOD?

 **hunkofgorgeous:** youre all human disasters

 **gaygirl15:** hunk is the only stable one in this family

 **leslie:** youve replaced keith as the wild and reckless youngest child

 **ifuckingdied:** ive been kicked!!

 **goblinman:** haha kick

 **pidgeonator3000:** shut up lance they dont know

 **ann:** know what

 **pidgeonator3000:** nothing

 **goblinman:** nothing

 **gaygirl15:** smooth

 **gaygirl15:** anyway thats one (1) thing ive managed to leave in complete disarray and i havent even arrived yet. whats next

 **pidgeonator3000:** i love and admire you with all of my heart

 **gaygirl15:** thanks baby boo ;)

 **pidgeonator3000:** im SWOONING

 **matterbaby:** youve ruined my boyfriends hair.............. he looks sixty now

 **goblinman:** silver fox shiro

 **ifuckingdied:** god

 **leslie:** SKSKSKSK

 **matterbaby:** nevermind im using that from now on

 **ann:** i played myself

 **ann:** im so old......

 **hunkofgorgeous:** shiro why did you give in

 **ann:** i dont know............... i dont know why i gave in...........................

 **gaygirl15:** its because im powerful and youre powerless........ go buy me 30 tubs of ben & jerrys ice cream................

 **ann:** maybe........... its because she reminds me of keith

 **ifuckingdied:** i NEVER abused you like that

 **ann:** youre my little brother dude i have the BIGGEST weak spot for you

 **ann:** remember that time you stole my car

 **ann:** and then i started giving you an allowance

 **ifuckingdied:** oh my god

 **gaygirl15:** #inspo

 **goblinman:** DONT GIVE HER IDEAS SHES GAY SHE DOESNT KNOW HOW TO DRIVE

 **leslie:** LMAOOO

 **gaygirl15:** maybe you can drive lance but can you park

 **goblinman:**...

 **ifuckingdied:** i drive a motorcycle does that count

 **gaygirl15:** no it doesnt

 **ifuckingdied:** oh

 **hunkofgorgeous:** esmeralda please have mercy on everyone i beg of you

 **gaygirl15:** then beg

 **leslie:** i love esmeralda so much

 **pidgeonator3000:** big same

 **matterbaby:** how are we supposed to go to the mall now.... people are gonna think im taking care of my grandpa....... theyre gonna think im a sugar baby......... theyre gonna think im your nurse........

 **ann:** matt its fine my hair doesnt look THAT bad does it

 **matterbaby:** all jokes aside you could grow out a beard shave your head get an awful orange tan and id still drool over you

 **matterbaby:** but youre most certainly getting a discount at denny's

 **ann:** i dont think thats a bad thing at all

 **ann:** lets get going 

 **matterbaby:** OMW! let me just put on my shoes uwu

 **goblinman:** thats My thing

 **gaygirl15:** fucking furry

 **goblinman:** Ok Are You Sure You Should Be Teasing Me When We Have a Homestuck Fan In Our Midst

 **gaygirl15:** HUH

 **ann:** OH COME ON

 **ifuckingdied:** And that kids is how I knew your father was my soulmate

 **goblinman:** [ _30 heart emojis_ ]

_**a little bit later** _

**leslie:** oh my god

 **goblinman:** what

 **gaygirl15:** already Packd't gonna call it a night so i can wake up early

 **gaygirl15:** if this is juicy please press 1

 **leslie:** 1111111

 **gaygirl15:** im listening

 **goblinman:** allura WHAT

 **leslie:** adam asked me if shiro's ring size changed

 **goblinman:** DUDE

 **gaygirl15:** who is adam

 **leslie:** shiros ex fiance

 **gaygirl15:** The WhO

 **gaygirl15:** WHAT

 **goblinman:** long story short adam moved away and they cut off their engagement but now adam is back and Witnesses (me, allura) reported seeing him at a jewler's looking for engagement bands

 **gaygirl15:** uh oh

 **leslie:** yeah BIG uh oh

 **gaygirl15:** should i..... kill him...??

 **goblinman:** what no

 **leslie:** SKSKSK

 **leslie:** does he think he can win shiro back or smthn??

 **goblinman:** have you seen him and matt. theyre stuck together like glue theres no separating them

 **ifuckingdied:** adam.... cannot do that

 **goblinman:** hello my love <3

 **ifuckingdied:** hello lance <3

 **gaygirl15:** gross

 **pidgeonator3000:** im going to erase this previous data and move this into another chat bc matt and shiro arent reading this right now and we want to keep this confidential

**_[061320181853PM-061320181857PM CLEAR]_ **

**_pidgey created the group TOP SECRET SHIT_ **

**_pidgey added knifeman, princessmonstertruck, lanceylance, and esmeraldamcclain_ **

**pidgey:** theres no use changing our names bc this chat will only live for a few minutes

**_esmeraldamcclain changed their name to god_ **

**pidgey:** theres one exception

 **god:** <3

 **princessmonstertruck:** what are we gonna do about this??

 **pidgey:** matt told me that he doesnt feel confident regarding adam-related matters. he feels overshadowed and insecure by the idea of adam coming back for shiro

 **lanceylance:** poor dude

 **pidgey:** im sure shiros comforted him with this but if adam tries to propose to shiro there will be two possible scenarios, both ofc where shiro rejects him: shiro tells matt, or shiro is actually WITH matt when it happens

 **pidgey:** i doubt adam would be that ballsy but its possible

 **knifeman:** adam is ballsy

 **knifeman:** and i 100% agree we cannot shake their relationship with adam interfering 

 **lanceylance:** well we have to do something!

 **god:** consider the following: shiro and matt are close, and their relationship is strong and stable. its unlikely adam proposing will even do that much damage. shiro will reject him and probably give some spiel about how matt is the love of his life or whatever

 **pidgey:** esmeralda has a point. maybe we dont need to be worried

 **knifeman:** we cant shake matts confidence

 **lanceylance:** but shiro will be there to help him right??

 **knifeman:** i mean yeah but i dont think adam proposing would be very good. right now

 **princessmonstertruck:** sniff sniff

 **knifeman:** what

 **princessmonstertruck:** i smell a secret

 **god:** i smell a ROBOT

 **god:** prove! prove! prove to me youre not a ROBOT

_**(esmeraldamcclain) demon >>> (knifeman) brotherinlaw** _

**demon:** i just saved your entire ass

 **brotherinlaw:** i owe you

 **demon:** you really do

_**TOP SECRET SHIT** _

**lanceylance:** so what do we do?

 **princessmonstertruck:** how do we lure him away from shiro? i already told him he had a boyfriend

 **knifeman:** do you think you could get him to admit hes trying to propose?

 **knifeman:** maybe then you can argue with him to get him to like. not do that

 **pidgey:** YEAH allura destroy him

 **princessmonstertruck:** ILL TRY

**_(knifeman) littleshit >>> (trynadie) fucklord_ **

**littleshit:** shiro theres a problem

 **fucklord:** did u ask pidge abt matts ring size

 **fucklord:** im at the jewelry store now he thinks im in the bathroom

 **littleshit:** no because theres a bigger problem on our hands

 **fucklord:** w

 **fucklord:** what is it are u ok

 **littleshit:** adam asked allura if your ring size was the same

 **fucklord:** th

 **fucklord:** thats bad

 **littleshit:** NO SHIT shiro

 **littleshit:** i managed to convince allura to text him and maybe convince him not to try and get you back but 

 **littleshit:** they were almost not gonna interfere because they thought you two would be fine even if adam pulled something

 **littleshit:** and i almost blew my cover if esmeralda hadnt vouched for me

 **littleshit:** shiro we need to do something

 **fucklord:** i was gonna wait until i had the ring in order to ask everyone else for help

 **fucklord:** but i guess i have to let the cat out of the bag now since im gonna need their help

 **littleshit:** are you sure

 **fucklord:** yes

 **fucklord:** i wanna be with matt and adam cant come in and interfere with that

 **fucklord:** but i cant do it alone

 **littleshit:** ill gather The Team

**_knifeman created the group HELP SHIRO PROPOSE_ **

**_knifeman added pidgey, princessmonstertruck, lanceylance, hunkydory, trynadie, and esmeraldamcclain_ **

**princessmonstertruck:** KEITH?

 **knifeman:** this is the secret you smelled

 **lanceylance:** OH MY GOD

 **hunkydory:** YESSSSS

 **pidgey:** HOLY SHIT

 **esmeraldamcclain:** saw this coming sksks

 **trynadie:** its true. im proposing to matt, but i need your help

 **trynadie:** dyeing my hair white was the perfect distraction to lower his guard, he wont see it coming, but i still need help

 **princessmonstertruck:** the timing could not be any more chaotic,

 **esmeraldamcclain:** i have a feeling shiro already knows about adams proposal

 **trynadie:** i do

 **princessmonstertruck:** DAMN IT i wanted to be the one to break the news

 **knifeman:** we have two issues on our hands: adam wants to propose, and shiro doesnt know matts ring size

 **trynadie:** also how to propose whoops

 **knifeman:** three. three problems

 **hunkydory:** you should take matt somewhere nice but not too showy

 **hunkydory:** matt likes to joke around a lot and hes pretty silly sometimes but i think if you went old-fashioned romantic and tried to sweep him off his feet hed really appreciate it

 **hunkydory:** i have a feeling hes the type to control vulnerability through jokes, like lance, but if you dont give him room to wall up with humor hes a sap

 **trynadie:** hunk youre 100% right and ill take your advice. ill go old-fashioned romantic

 **lanceylance:** i have a solution for the adam problem

 **lanceylance:** get everything prepared and engaged ASAP, then before he even has a chance to call you up, post the pictures on social media

 **lanceylance:** hell see them and stop right in his tracks

 **knifeman:** lance thats genius

 **trynadie:** a polite indirect.... interesting strategy, harmless, and effective. lance youre a legend

 **lanceylance:** im a skinny legend uwu

 **esmeraldamcclain:** perish

 **pidgey:** his ring size is 8 he has skinny fingers haha fucking loser

 **trynadie:** THANKS PIDGE

 **knifeman:** allura hows it going to convince adam

 **princessmonstertruck:** i got him to admit that hes planning to win shiro back

 **princessmonstertruck:** i was holding onto hope that itd be a misunderstanding but danger level is red now

 **princessmonstertruck:** im gonna try to get details out of him but ill come back if i have any new info

 **esmeraldamcclain:** i suggest you propose tomorrow, ASAP

 **esmeraldamcclain:** you can ask matt to pick me up along with someone else, maybe allura, and i can drag them around town, distract them while you get everything ready for whatever you wanna plan

 **trynadie:** you get here tomorrow thats right!!! ill do that. ill do that while everything gets planned

 **trynadie:** im getting the ring now matts gonna call any second and ask where i am bc i said i was in the restroom i have to go

 **trynadie:** thanks for everything guys

 **princessmonstertruck:** we have your BACK baby!!!!

 **pidgey:** OPERATION GET THE TWO LOSERS HITCHED: START!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> translations:  
> que quieres: what do you want  
> perdoname chiquito pero soy lesbiana y tengo 16 años: sorry baby boy but im a lesbian and im 16 years old


	7. the proposal: shiro and matt edition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> princessmonstertruck: OPERATION START!

  _ **TIME AND DATE: 06/13/2018  22:45 PM**_

**_HELP SHIRO PROPOSE_ **

**princessmonstertruck:** ok so does everyone know what they need to do??

 **lanceylance:** AFFIRMATIVE PRINCESS!!!

 **knifeman:** yes

 **trynadie:** im gonna explode idk why im so nervous all of a sudden

 **esmeraldamcclain:** mischief mode: on

 **pidgey:** im set

 **hunkydory:** GOT IT

 **princessmonstertruck:** im gonna go over the plan again just for reference

 **princessmonstertruck:** first, tonight, esmeralda demands that matt and i pick her up. 

 **princessmonstertruck:** we'll wake up at 5 AM to pick her up at the airport since she'll touch-down at around 5:20, give a gate-arrival-deplaning time of about twenty minutes, and itll take about 30 some minutes for luggage retrieval, so we'll leave the airport at about 6:10

 **princessmonstertruck:** we'll take her to eat breakfast since she'll have conveniently forgotten to do so in florida

 **princessmonstertruck:** thatll take approximately one hour and ten minutes, which will bring us to about 7:20 AM

 **princessmonstertruck:** BY 7:30 EVERYONE MUST BE AWAKE, DRESSED FOR THE DAY, LISTS PREPARED AND READY FOR ACTION

 **princessmonstertruck:** we'll go back home, spend half an hour there for greetings and settling in her room and yadda yadda, then at about 8 AM esmeralda will find out she Forgot to pack pajamas! oh no! we'll have to take her to buy a pair

 **princessmonstertruck:** again we'll drag matt with us and then parade him around until evening

 **princessmonstertruck:** the entire time, shiro and the rest of you must get the supplies needed

 **princessmonstertruck:** the supplies needed are as follows: rose petals, a tux, ingredients for the dinner, decorations, a shit ton of candles a LOT of candles just MANY MANY candles, a violinist, and everything that will make the scene

 **princessmonstertruck:** you will use the ballroom in the east portion of the house

 **princessmonstertruck:** pidge will set up the audio and entertainment, lance will set up the rooftop star viewing area, keith is working the fireworks show, and remember you can ask for amintah's help

 **princessmonstertruck:** dinner and a show protocol

 **princessmonstertruck:** we will return home at approximately 6:30 PM absolutely everything must be ready by then

 **princessmonstertruck:** EVERYONE READY?

 **lanceylance:** YES

 **hunkydory:** YES

 **knifeman:** YES

 **pidgey:** YES

 **esmeraldamcclain:** YES

 **trynadie:** YES!

 **princessmonstertruck:** OPERATION START!

 

**_shitpost central_ **

**gaygirl15:** MATT

 **matterbaby:** what do u want goblin girl

 **gaygirl15:** you shall eat your words. youre picking me up with allura tomorrow

 **matterbaby:** EXCUSE me

 **leslie:** yeah matt!!! itll be fun!!

 **matterbaby:** i cant be in a car with her shell kill me

 **leslie:** youre afraid of a 16 year old

 **gaygirl15:** hes scared of another chaos god

 **matterbaby:** where is my gorgeous man when i need defending

 **ann:** itll be fun matt!! besides itll give you a chance to finally meet her

 **ann:** unless you wanna wait until she appears in your closet when you wake up

 **ann:** wouldnt you rather see her coming

 **matterbaby:** survival-wise you make an interesting point

 **pidgeonator3000:** you insult the love of my life

 **gaygirl15:** oh pidge u make me big uwu

 **goblinman:** esmeralda shouldnt you be asleep you have a flight at 6 AM

 **gaygirl15:** whatever god of time exists cant stop me

 **hunkofgorgeous:** esme sometimes you really are frightening

 **gaygirl15:** hunk, god of cooking, IS allowed to stop me

 **gaygirl15:** but anyway matt allura please pick me up tomorrow

 **gaygirl15:** oh and when you pick me up can you dress up in suits with black sunglasses and hold up a sign that says Empress Esmeralda

 **leslie:** no

 **matterbaby:** no

 **gaygirl15:** a girl can dream cant she

 **pidgeonator3000:** if i were to pick you up i would dress up like one of the MIB so you could dress up like an alien but if i wake up early i cant guarantee ill continue being alive

 **gaygirl15:** you complete me

 **goblinman:** im disgusted and you two arent even dating

 **gaygirl15:** be careful where you tread brother

 **goblinman:** no dont please nevermind

 **gaygirl15:** thats right

 **gaygirl15:** anyway im gonna take a nap uwu gn ill see ny'all in a couple hours!

 **hunkofgorgeous:** lance i hate that you share typing quirks

 **goblinman:** i love my sister

**_05:14 AM_ **

**_shitpost central_ **

**gaygirl15:** OHOHOHOHO PREPARE YOURSELVES! WE'RE TOUCHING DOWN VERY SOON!!

 **matterbaby:** god

 **leslie:** lets get going matt!! we dont wanna be late!!

 **gaygirl15:** but on a serious note ive been starving for four hours do you guys think :( we can stop for breakfast :( after we get my luggage :(

 **leslie:** sure baby girl we'll take you out for dennys

 **matterbaby:** hmm i could use a coffee im down

 **gaygirl15:** big uwu thank you so much uwu

 **matterbaby:** shes cute when shes not trying to kill me

 **gaygirl15:** rare opportunities 

 **matterbaby:** "rare opportunities" that phrase gave me a flashback to the emo poetry

 **gaygirl15:** SKSKSKS

 **gaygirl15:** TOUCHING DOWN

 **gaygirl15:** gonna arrive at the gate in a bit!!

 **leslie:** we're getting in the car now

 **matterbaby:** its so early

 **matterbaby:** i need coffee please

 **gaygirl15:** esmeralda mcclain has officially arrived at california the world will end in 3-5 business days

 **goblinman:** glad you made it here safe! i just woke up

 **hunkofgorgeous:** good to have u esme!!!!!

 **pidgeonator3000:** im so FREAKING excited

 **ann:** please dont abuse matt too much!!

 **gaygirl15:** none of u can stop me except maybe pidge

 **pidgeonator3000:** [ _15 heart emojis_ ]

_**half an hour later** _

**leslie:** we're gonna be on our way to dennys now!! does anyone back home want anything?

 **goblinman:** mozzarella sticks

 **leslie:** lance its. its 6 AM

 **goblinman:** the mozzarella craving never stops

 **ifuckingdied:** good morning hello esmeralda lance please dont eat mozzarella sticks

 **goblinman:** arent you supposed to love and support me through everything

 **ifuckingdied:** sighs

 **gaygirl15:** matt looks like coconut head in person

 **matterbaby:** somebody please help me

 **ann:** i cant believe im dating cocount head

 **matterbaby:** im sobbing

 **ifuckingdied:** lance get in the shower with me

 **goblinman:** On my way!

 **gaygirl15:** youve ruined this sacred morning

 **gaygirl15:** on this, the day of my holiest arrival

 **hunkofgorgeous:** allura to answer your question im making breakfast for everyone here so you dont need to bring anything for anyone

 **leslie:** thank you hunk for being the only sane one ever

 **leslie:** we're getting in the car tty when we get home!!

**_7:25 AM_ **

**matterbaby:** we're headed home!!! i am rejuvenated by the caffeine coursing through my veins

 **goblinman:** ok soccer mom sandra

 **gaygirl15:** you make me proud brother

 **ifuckingdied:** pidge is vibrating with excitement

 **gaygirl15:** so am i the fuck

 **pidgeonator3000:**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **gaygirl15:**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_**(lanceylance) lanceylance >>> (esmeraldamcclain) hermanitahermosa** _

**lanceylance:** if you wanna date pidge you know im ok w that right

 **hermanitahermosa:** shut ur fuck 

 **lanceylance:** JUST GO FOR IT 

 **hermanitahermosa:** i dont think they like me back

 **lanceylance:** youre so stupid i cant believe this

 **hermanitahermosa:** lance this is just how we get along..... it doesnt necessarily mean they like me back.................

 **lanceylance:** youre so stupid. youre so stupid

 **hermanitahermosa:** THEY SAY THEY LOVE ME BUT ITS PROBABLY PLATONIC

 **lanceylance:** oh my god

**_8:00 AM_ **

**_shitpost central_ **

**gaygirl15:** allura!! matt!!! :( :( :(

 **leslie:** what happened bbg come downstairs

 **gaygirl15:** i forgot to pack pajamas :(

 **matterbaby:** just get one of lances shirts and use it as a sleepshirt

 **gaygirl15:** i would but hes stinky

 **goblinman:** WTF!!!

 **goblinman:** i use VERY EXPENSIVE colognes.....

 **gaygirl15:** well your very expensive colognes are stinky

 **leslie:** dont worry my love matt and i will take you to the mall to buy a new pair!! matt doesnt mind right? :)

 **matterbaby:** allura i know that smiley is passive aggressive

 **leslie:** [ _arianagrandeandwhataboutit.gif]_

 **matterbaby:** sighs audibly

 **gaygirl15:** thank you!!!!!! :) :)

 **leslie:** leaving in five minutes!

 **matterbaby:** all of you do things so fast why

**_HELP SHIRO PROPOSE_ **

**esmeraldamcclain:** PHASE ONE COMPLETE BEGIN PREPARATIONS

 **princessmonstertruck:** EVERYONE KNOW WHAT TO DO?

 **knifeman:** FIREWORKS PREP

 **lanceylance:** ROOF PREP

 **hunkydory:** FOOD PREP

 **pidgey:** MUSIC PREP

 **trynadie:** DECORATIONS PREP

 **trynadie:** i asked amintah for help and she agreed :)

 **princessmonstertruck:** WE'LL KEEP YOU UPDATED AS THE DAY PROGRESSES BUT DO NOT EXPECT US TO RETURN UNTIL 6:30 PM

 **esmeraldamcclain:** KEEP MATT AWAY BY ANY MEANS POSSIBLE

 **esmeraldamcclain:** I'LL KILL HIM IF I HAVE TO

 **trynadie:** NO DONT

**_3:30 PM_ **

**hunkydory:** just got home with the groceries, gonna start preparing the bisque and the steak

 **hunkydory:** lance have you finished with the roof setup

 **lanceylance:** the rose petal trail is in position

 **lanceylance:** the candles are set, we just need to mass light them before 6:30

 **lanceylance:** but those are finishing touches

 **hunkydory:** good come help me with the cooking

 **lanceylance:** got it

 **lanceylance:** keith are you done with the fireworks set up

 **knifeman:** ive already set them up at the far end of the backyard, pidge helped me with the remote programming

 **pidgey:** yo

 **knifeman:** they finished their audio set up early

 **pidgey:** im gonna go help shiro and amintah theyre almost done

 **hunkydory:** this is gonna be the most perfect proposal ever

**_6:15 PM_ **

**_shitpost central_ **

**matterbaby:** FINALLY. FINALLY I FINALLY GET TO RETURN HOME

 **ann:** long day baby?

 **matterbaby:** THESE TWO D E M O N S MADE AT LEAST SIX! SIX LAPS AROUND THE ENTIRE MALL

 **matterbaby:** THEY BOUGHT SO MUCH SHIT. I THOUGHT WE WERE ONLY GETTING PAJAMAS? WE'RE BRINGING HOME LAMPS?

 **matterbaby:** WHY WERE THEY SO DETERMINED TO BUY SO MUCH? TO MAKE ME C A R  R Y IT?

 **matterbaby:** ITS LIKE THEY DID THIS EXCLUSIVELY TO KEEP ME FROM RESTING AT HOME

 **gaygirl15:** relaxation matt once we get home we can call it a day :)

 **leslie:** yeah you can call it a day :)

 **matterbaby:** why is this making me suspicious

 **pidgeonator3000:** youre loopy from the fatigue

 **pidgeonator3000:** I Finally Get To See My Beautiful GF Again

 **gaygirl15:** [ _40 kissy face emojis]_

 **goblinman:** useless gays

 **ifuckingdied:** lance i wouldnt be one to talk

 **ann:** when are you arriving 

 **matterbaby:** we're pulling into the driveway

**_HELP SHIRO PROPOSE_ **

**trynadie:** IM GONNA HAVE A STROKE

 **hunkydory:** are u in position

 **trynadie:** anxiously standing in the middle of the ballroom 

 **lanceylance:** everythings gonna be fine shiro

 **knifeman:** ive lit all the candles, the fireworks are set and ready to light, you just have to press the button whenever you want bro

 **pidgey:** music is set

 **lanceylance:** he should be following the rose petal trail

 **hunkydory:** get ready!!!!

 

When Matt, Esmeralda, and Allura pulled into Castle Altea's driveway, he didn't think anything of all of the lights being off inside-- all he could register in his state of exhaustion was the fact that so many boxes and bags and baskets needed to be carried inside. So he came to, naturally, when Lance's sister jumped out of the car and dragged him out, iron grip on his wrist and a flame in her eyes. 

"Wh... hey, what's...? Don't we need to bring in all of the stuff we bought?"

"Uh... yeah. In a bit. But first, you need to see something."

The girl pulled him all the way up to the front door, where she opened it wide (why was it unlocked?) and shoved him in. He didn't even get to ask what was going on before she slammed the door closed, rung the doorbell ( _what?_ ) and he heard footsteps running off.  _What the... hell...?_

He finally turned around to see the foyer lit up with dozens of little candles like stars, illuminating a rose petal pathway through a corridor, disappearing around a corner. He looked around for any signs of life besides himself, but heard nothing and no one else. A smile crept onto his face as he followed the path, careful not to slip or accidentally light himself on fire.

He arrived at the very end of the east wing to see the ballroom, which was decorated in tones of blue and gold. Tall windows let the golden light of the setting sun stream in, removing the need for candles, but revealing everything that had been arranged. Rose petals again were strewn about the floor but in a heart pattern, and at its very center was a round, cloth-covered table set for two. And Shiro stood before it, turning slowly to meet Matt's eyes.

He was dressed impeccably, in a dark suit with a purple tie, white hair slicked back and a gentle, loving smile on his face. All thoughts about being horribly underdressed were somehow meaningless to him in that moment when his honey eyes met Shiro's grey ones. Nothing else in that moment seemed to matter. "Shiro?"

"Hey, Matt. Sorry Esmeralda dragged you around the whole day. She was only following the plan."

"The... the plan?"

Shiro shrugged sheepishly, and beckoned Matt to come forward, pulling out his chair. The shorter man complied and sat down, looking up at his boyfriend with glittering but confused eyes. "We were planning to surprise you, so we needed a distraction. Well, a second one." He pointed at his head. "I hope you're not too tired, because after dinner I have something else planned."

Matt wanted to crack a joke, he really did, but he felt breathless. He felt weightless, actually. And when Hunk came in to announce what they would be served ( _"For your first course, a creamy lobster bisque, followed by your second course, garlic butter grilled steak and shrimp with roasted heart potatoes, and then dessert, a sweet maple cranberry pecan pie.")_ he decided to just let himself enjoy the evening.

It felt easy. It felt natural. He had been so used to messing around and being relaxed in everything, including his relationship with Shiro, that he never even imagined something like this would happen to him. He wanted more of it, and more often, even if it sounded weird and cheesy. Or maybe he just wanted to stay in this moment forever, staring into Shiro's eyes until he turned old and grey and faded away.

They took their time eating, but when they finished, Shiro took his hand and led him upstairs to the roof, where the second part of the evening awaited them. By then night had already fallen, the sun having set, and the stars were peeking out to see the Earth and look down at the happy couple. On the floor were two red mats with two red pillows surrounded by candles and rose petals, obviously the general theme for the evening.  _Stargazing,_ Matt remembered,  _was actually our first date._

The two of them laid down, hands instinctively reaching for the other's, looking up at the deep blue summer sky.

"Do you remember when I told you I liked you?" Shiro asked. 

"Yeah, I do." Matt responded, and he smiled at the memory. "Months of pining, Shiro,  _months_ of it! And when you finally did it, we were so emotional we had to go on a date right then and there."

"We stayed out until four in the morning, remember? We were so crazy back then. Keith was so worried, he thought I went missing."

"Best date I've ever been on," he murmured, but then he turned to look at Shiro, who mimicked his actions. "Well, maybe second best."

"I think the moment that I realized I had made the right choice was when you pointed at Orion's belt and called it Mr. Snake. I don't think I'll ever forget that."

"Straight lines are snakes, Shiro, like balloon animals."

Shiro laughed, but it sounded nervous. Then, he sat up. "You know, when I was a kid, I thought soulmates were fake. I thought they didn't exist." He offered his hand, which Matt took to help himself up, and he pulled the other close. His thumb trailed the other's cheek gently, slowly, their eyes never breaking contact. "Being with you changed my mind."

Matt let out a week laugh, a mere huff, looking away and blinking rapidly. "That's... that's so cheesy, babe."

"It's true." Shiro insisted, and he took a slow step back. "But before I say anything else, look over there." He pointed off into the distance, but behind his back he clicked the button on the remote Keith gave him.

Strings of light burst from the ground and faded into the night, where they exploded into halos of red, yellow, blue, green, and white. Matt turned completely to see the display, eyes big and bright and glowing with wonder. Hearts, and stars filled up the night with color, vivid color, which slowly faded into the black sky. "That was beautiful, Shiro, did you do--"

When he turned to look, Shiro was down on one knee, a small, velvet box open to reveal a golden ring. He had a smile on his face, and his eyes were gleaming in the candlelight, telling him everything he needed to know-- that he loved him. And Matt's heart stopped, his hands flying up to his face as his breaths turned shaky and his vision blurred over with tears. "Matt, no matter what I do, no matter where I go, no matter who I meet, there is nothing in this world that I could ever love more than I do you. Even when we fight, even when we're far apart, even when you're sick with food poisoning and you're throwing up everywhere. God,  _especially_ when you're sick with food poisoning and you're throwing up everywhere.

"I don't know what the future is gonna be like. I don't know if we'll even have much of a future, hell, we could die tomorrow. But all I know is that I don't ever want to be apart from you from this day onward. I don't want to live without you, I  _can't_ live without you. So, Matthew Holt...  _will you marry me?_ "

The man in question just kept crying, until his knees gave in and he sunk to the ground, leveling himself with Shiro. He opened his arms and Matt crashed into him, unable to form any sort of coherent words in his sobbing fit. The both of them were crying, that much was true, but one was clearly more stable than the other. " _Yes_ ," the shorter finally managed to whisper, and Shiro grinned. He didn't budge and just held him there until he calmed down-- they had time, after all. They had plenty, plenty of time.

On the other side of the mansion, however, Esmeralda, Allura, Keith, Lance, Pidge, Hunk, and Amintah sat on the front steps of the home, watching few cars pass by slowly as they waited for the happy ( _obviously_ )couple to maybe let them know if they were gonna take the mansion all night or not. Their friends were more than happy to give them their privacy, and Amintah's room was far from Shiro and Matt's so it wouldn't be a problem, but all they needed was a heads up. 

Suddenly, a black Taurus pulled in to the driveway, and a tall man climbed out. " _Oh shit,"_ Keith whispered. " _It's_ Adam _."_

Allura stood up and met the man halfway, a confused look on her face. "Adam! It's been so long! What, um, what brings you here?"

He seemed like he was about to say something before he spotted everyone else sitting behind her-- people he didn't know, and one particularly young girl who was giving him a dirty eye. Suddenly, he felt the weight of the ring in his pocket weighing heavy. "Just... felt like dropping by, saying hello."

She smiled sheepishly, and pulled him away, motioning behind her back to tell everyone to ignore them. "Adam, I... don't think tonight is the night to, uh, ask Shiro."

"Allura, leaving him was the biggest mistake I've ever made." he answered. "I have to make things right before I lose my chance."

The woman gulped before she looked back at her house, where all of the windows were still dark. No sign of the pair, and no text from them, either. "Maybe come by tomorrow? Please, Adam, just not now."

The man sighed and looked away. "Alright. If it's okay with you, I'll come back tomorrow. But I have to take this shot-- it's like fate just gave it to me."

She felt her phone buzz in her pocket, and sweat trickle down her forehead. "Right, right, um... Adam, you should, um, leave. It's getting late." She turned him around with her superhuman strength and pushed him back to his car, where he reluctantly entered the vehicle and she waved him off. As soon as he drove off, she turned to see her friends, who were all hugging each other and cheering quietly. "He's gone! We made it!"

"They're getting hitched!" Lance exclaimed, and he jumped up. "WOOHOO!!"

**_shitpost central_ **

**matterbaby:** LOOK AT MY RING!!!!!!

 **matterbaby:** [ _MYRING.jpg]_

 **matterbaby:** IM ENGAGED!!!!!

 **ann:** WE'RE GETTING MARRIED!!!!

 **goblinman:** YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED!!

 **ifuckingdied:** NICE

 **gaygirl15:** YEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHH

 **pidgeonator3000:** I CANT BELIEVE SHIRO'S GONNA BE MY BROTHER IN LAW

 **pidgeonator3000:** oh my god keith is gonna be my brother in law

 **hunkofgorgeous:** CONGRATULATIONS NOW WE'RE ENGAGED BUDDIES

 **hunkofgorgeous:** if you have your wedding anywhere near when i have mine i'll kill the both of you

 **leslie:** the both of you are so fucking welcome

 **ann:** thank you to all of you for making this proposal possible

 **ann:** pidge for music, keith for fireworks, lance for stargazing and decor, and hunk for the food. esmeralda and allura for the distraction

 **matterbaby:** i dont even care that they literally made me wanna die I'M GETTING MARRIED

_**HELP SHIRO PROPOSE** _

**trynadie:** hello everyone with all due respect for your hard work and dedication may i please have the rest of the evening alone with my future spouse

 **leslie:** im making reservations at the nearby marriott as we speak

 **leslie:** we'll be back in the morning

 **trynadie:** i owe you my life

 **leslie:** you really do

**_shitpost central_ **

**matterbaby:** im posting this on all of my social media accounts dad is gonna FREAK

 **pidgeonator3000:** SKSKSKS TELL HIM TO RECORD HIS RESPONSE SKSKSKSKSK

 **ann:** keith the fireworks were awesome

 **ifuckingdied:** I Have A Talent For Combustible Things

 **ann:** and lance everything looked amazing

 **goblinman:** the key is to mix fake petals with real ones

 **goblinman:** greated a cute worn boho feel

 **matterbaby:** hunk the food made me nut

 **hunkofgorgeous:** Not The Compliment I Was Expecting But I'll Take It

 **matterbaby:** and pidge the music was beautiful

 **pidgeonator3000:** ill bet you anything you didnt even notice bc u were too busy making googly eyes at ur man

 **matterbaby:** yeah i was

 **ann:** allura's planning was flawless

 **leslie:** i try

 **leslie:** plus my evasive maneuvers + persuasion >>>>>>>

 **ifuckingdied:** LMAO we'll tell you about that later

 **leslie:** yeah we're gonna clear out for the night you two enjoy the rest of your evening

 **matterbaby:** aww u guys dont have to do that

 **gaygirl15:** no we do

 **gaygirl15:** congrats again guys

 **leslie:** we'll see u in the morning!!

 **leslie:** autobots, roll out!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed that uwu


	8. the aftermath + allura vs. Adam: FIGHT!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> princessmonstertruck: He Probably Should've Checked With Shiro First SKSKSKSK
> 
> pidgey: thats so sad alexa play despacito
> 
> god: SKSKSKS rip adam 
> 
> princessmonstertruck: shiro is such a star at one point he had Three (3) people crushing on him at the same time
> 
> god: please elaborate
> 
> princessmonstertruck: me, matt, adam
> 
> god: his power........ is immense......

**_pidgey renamed TOP SECRET SHIT to anyone who isnt a senior citizen_ **

**god:** HIZZUK

 **pidgey:** it had to be done

 **lanceylance:** poor shiro he didnt ask to be old

 **knifeman:** cant believe hes marrying matt i still remember when he was in his fucking homestuck phase

 **god:** please keith i NEED physical proof 

 **pidgey:** sksksks matt's been crushing on shiro since they met hes such a goblin hes probably super happy

 **princessmonstertruck:** i cannot believe adam did that

 **hunkydory:** YEAH what are we gonna do about THAT situation

 **princessmonstertruck:** i told him to drop by tomorrow Yikes! i hope he realizes he cant do that now since the man he wants is literally newly engaged

 **hunkydory:** as soon as he sees those photos he should back off. like, realistically

 **knifeman:** i feel bad about adam but i mean :/

 **lanceylance:** i wonder what prompted him to try and get shiro back in the first place

 **princessmonstertruck:** oh i can answer that

 **princessmonstertruck:** he said that when he moved to the east coast he immediately realized he had made the biggest mistake of his life

 **princessmonstertruck:** but he couldnt just go back on his decision so he stayed there and saved up enough money to move back and he networked and did all this shit so hed get a better job here

 **princessmonstertruck:** so hes bought a house and rings and everything yikes 

 **princessmonstertruck:** He Probably Should've Checked With Shiro First SKSKSKSK

 **pidgey:** thats so sad alexa play despacito

 **god:** SKSKSKS rip adam 

 **princessmonstertruck:** shiro is such a star at one point he had Three (3) people crushing on him at the same time

 **god:** please elaborate

 **princessmonstertruck:** me, matt, adam

 **god:** his power........ is immense......

 **knifeman:** i hate him every time he picked me up from school everyone would call me out for having a "hot" older brother

 **knifeman:** what they dont know is that hes a total fucking loser

 **pidgey:** id be like "aha mood" but matt is a dweeb inside and out

 **hunkydory:** lance and i were threats back in florida

 **lanceylance:** yeah we were unstoppable

 **god:** i suffered greatly

 **god:** i relate w keith everyone liked lance more than me

 **god:** and my twin? absent

 **princessmonstertruck:** YOU HAVE A TWIN??????????????

 **pidgey:** WHAT THE FUCK?

 **knifeman:** oh my god two of them

 **hunkydory:** LOL 

 **lanceylance:** how IS ramiro

 **god:** i dont fucking know dude

 **god:** i never see him anymore :( hes always going out with his friends :( i miss him

 **pidgey:** esmeralda i never knew you had a twin...........

 **god:** i dont mention him much bc we dont get along as well as we used to anymore

 **god:** which sucks! but theres nothing i can do about it

 **pidgey:** thats so sad 

 **god:** alexa play the parent trap

 **pidgey:** SKSKSKSK

 **hunkydory:** anyway what if adam DOESNT give up

 **knifeman:** i cant kill him because we go back so

 **lanceylance:** yeah that puts us in a pretty rough spot :/

 **princessmonstertruck:** well i dont wanna kill him either

 **god:** i have no qualms with letting him perish

 **pidgey:** i love you esme

 **god:** i love you too

_**(lanceylance) shitlord >>> (pidgey) walkingfunkopop** _

**shitlord:** pidge on god i never thought id say this but can you please just tell my sister youre in love with her so that i dont have to witness this "yeah she said she wants to get married but i think its platonic" disaster pining

 **walkingfunkopop:** DUDE she doesnt like me back its all just banter....

 **shitlord:** youre both so fucking stupid

 **walkingfunkopop:** be quiet or i expose you

 **shitlord:** id threaten to tell esmeralda u like her myself just to get back at you but there'd be 0% loss and this isnt 2nd grade

 **walkingfunkopop:** yeah if it was youd be cuter

 **walkingfunkopop:** and id thankfully not exist yet

 **shitlord:** i hate this

**_anyone who isn't a senior citizen_ **

**hunkydory:** anyway this hotel is beautiful

 **hunkydory:** lets all get free breakfast in the morning

 **hunkydory:** Sure Would Be Nice Me Not Having To Cook For Once

 **lanceylance:** were sorry hunk :(

 **hunkydory:** on one hand id love a break on the other if i let you all cook the mansion would burn down

 **princessmonstertruck:** amintah is a culinary master

 **princessmonstertruck:** i think she genuinely has like. a certification in something.

 **princessmonstertruck:** The Only Reason I Still Live is Because She Lives With Me

 **lanceylance:** speaking of she

 **lanceylance:** hows plaxum

 **princessmonstertruck:** asdfghjkjhgfdfgh shut up 

 **lanceylance:** have u. gotten anywhere

 **princessmonstertruck:** i mightttt ask her outttt maybeeee

 **knifeman:** what is plaxum like

 **princessmonstertruck:** she works as a vet assistant at the aquarium nearby

 **princessmonstertruck:** shes so pretty she has like. really long black hair and these big BIG blue eyes im gone

 **lanceylance:** yeah she really was very pretty idk why she didnt go up to allura that day

 **knifeman:** cant judge her for being shy when i literally thought we had just become friends the day before we started dating

 **lanceylance:** yeah keith i love you but that was literally buffoonery 

 **god:** and you call ME a disaster gay

 **knifeman:** i may be a disaster gay but youre a straight up fool

 **god:** remember keith our rooms are connected by two doors and i can guarantee both are unlocked

 **god:** at any moment i am perfectly capable of destroying you

 **pidgey:** and im her backup

 **knifeman:** yeah nevermind the both of them will kill me

 **knifeman:** and i dont think lance would be very good at protecting me since he JUST applied a face mask

 **lanceylance:** i did and im not messing it up 

 **god:** actually scrap everything i just said previously pidge and i r gonna watch a documentary Do Not Disturb

 **knifeman:** is it a cryptid one

 **pidgey:** yes

 **knifeman:**...

 **lanceylance:** keith.... babe...... come back here and do a face mask with me.......

_**(esmeraldamcclain) demon >>> (knifeman) brotherinlaw** _

**demon:** keith i want you to know that i love and appreciate and respect you but if you even attempt to try and interrupt my evening alone with pidge you will be shot down

 **brotherinlaw:** i

 **demon:** pls :) do a face mask :) with my brother :)

 **brotherinlaw:** o

 **brotherinlaw:** okay

 **demon:** thank you :)

**_anyone who isn't a senior citizen_ **

**knifeman:**... i think ill do a face mask with lance

 **pidgey:** ok

 **god:** :)

 **lanceylance:** holy shit fr??? after so many rejections.............. 

 **god:** :)

 **hunkydory:** anyway all of you go to sleep now we have to wake up early tomorrow 

 **princessmonstertruck:** we need to be Vigilant in case Adam tries anything

**_9:05 AM_ **

**_Call from amintah <3_ **

**_Call ended; duration 5:41_ **

**_anyone who isnt a senior citizen_ **

**princessmonstertruck:** FUCK!!!

 **god:** waht what what happened

 **pidgey:** is everything ok

 **hunkydory:** who called u?

 **princessmonstertruck:** YES amintah just called and said adam dropped by why the HELL is he so EARLY

 **princessmonstertruck:** she says she answered the door but since she saw him last night she didnt let shiro or matt see who it was even though they were curious

 **princessmonstertruck:** she told him to call me hes gonna call me any second FUCK HES CALLING

 **lanceylance:** allura and hunk come to our room we'll help you

 **hunkydory:** allura already took the call we're gonna have to wait

 **knifeman:** adam doesnt have a bad temper but ill bet my bottom dollar hes seen the photos

 **hunkydory:** oh my god

 **god:** what happened hunk

 **hunkydory:** shes....... yelling?

 **pidgey:** please record the convo

 **hunkydory:** no pidge im not gonna do that

 **lanceylance:**... hunk

 **hunkydory:** NO lance

 **knifeman:** why would allura yell??

 **hunkydory:** shes... wow um

 **hunkydory:** wow

 **god:** we just have to wait until shes done

 **hunkydory:** shes done

 **princessmonstertruck:** i spoke with adam.

 **lanceylance:** what happened what did he say what what

 **princessmonstertruck:** he was sad and angry because i didnt tell him shiro and matt were that serious and that he never wouldve moved back if he had known that he never had a chance in the first place

 **princessmonstertruck:** and he was like allura i thought we were friends i loved shiro why didnt you just tell me

 **princessmonstertruck:** and i pulled a "i tried to tell you but you were so wrapped up in not losing your chance that you didnt listen, bold of you to assume you had a chance whether matt was in the picture or not"

 **hunkydory:** shit was savage

 **princessmonstertruck:** i told him that his plan wouldve never worked in the first place and that he needed to let go of the past, i learned how to do it, he should learn how to do it too, yadda yadda, if you really care for shiro youd be happy for him and matt, blah blah

 **knifeman:** rip adam

 **pidgey:** im shrugs it was a pretty stupid idea you cant waltz back into someones life and expect them to take you back

 **pidgey:** not mention adam probably never gave shiro the heads up the only reason shiro knew was because allura ran to tell him

 **knifeman:** cant believe adam like, tried that

 **knifeman:** ive always really liked him and got along w him and thought he was a cool dude but this? rock bottom 

 **knifeman:** hope he recovers

 **lanceylance:** i feel bad for him kind of but since i barely know him its shrugs

 **god:** I Do Not Care For This Adam Man

 **hunkydory:** we love u esme but sometimes youre just so fucking ominous

 **princessmonstertruck:** hope he gets it together :/ he was a good dude

 **princessmonstertruck:** anyway now that THAT chapter is over

 **princessmonstertruck:** lets just go back home i have a feeling other things are gonna get juicy soon and i need to make sure the house isnt on fire before we start the bullshit back up again

 **lanceylance:** big same


	9. just esmidge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gaygirl15: due to this joyous occasion i will spare your life
> 
> ann: thanks esmeralda
> 
> matterbaby: o sweet merciful meme,
> 
> gaygirl15: i take it back youre gonna die in 3-5 business days

**_shitpost central_ **

**leslie:** can we go back home now

 **ann:** yes :)

 **matterbaby:** ive never been more uwu in my life

 **pidgeonator3000:** i hate that

 **gaygirl15:** congrats again

 **gaygirl15:** due to this joyous occasion i will spare your life

 **ann:** thanks esmeralda

 **matterbaby:** o sweet merciful meme,

 **gaygirl15:** i take it back youre gonna die in 3-5 business days

 **goblinman:** keiths skin........ is so fucking pretty..............

 **ifuckingdied:** thanks babe

 **ifuckingdied:** esmeralda pidge are you two ready

 **gaygirl15:** yeah we went downstairs to get some Food

 **ifuckingdied:** oh my god

 **goblinman:** what happened babe

 **goblinman:** oh my god

**_(lanceylance) lanceylance >>> (esmeraldamcclain) hermanitahermosa_ **

**lanceylance:** esmeralda why are the Two Queen Beds in your room pushed together

 **hermanitahermosa:** shut up shut up shut up shut up

 **lanceylance:** ESMERALDA

 **hermanitahermosa:** WE DIDNT DO ANYTHING

 **lanceylance:** ESMERALDA YOU

 **hermanitahermosa:** we just.... like, slept together but we didnt SLEEP TOGETHER

 **lanceylance:** did u cuddle oh my god thats so fucking gay

 **hermanitahermosa:** stfu and die forever

_**(knifeman) brotherinlaw >>> (esmeraldamcclain) demon** _

**brotherinlaw:** esmeralda 

 **demon:** NO

_**(knifeman) sasukewannabe >>> (pidgey) fuckinggremlin** _

**sasukewannabe:** pidge why are both of the beds in your room pushed together

 **fuckinggremlin:** esmeralda wanted me to tell you to shut up and die forever

 **fuckinggremlin:** but yeah not to sound like cringy and with feelings but we cuddled

 **sasukewannabe:** i desperately want to tease you but somehow i cant. like theres a block.

 **fuckinggremlin:** thats because im your god

 **sasukewannabe:** im so fucking frightened

**_shitpost central_ **

**hunkofgorgeous:** guys what happened

 **gaygirl15:** nothing

 **goblinman:** right

 **ifuckingdied:** nothing

 **pidgeonator3000:** cowards

 **gaygirl15:** anyway pidge and i r coming back up get ready for the fucking fight of your lives

 **ifuckingdied:** what why

 **goblinman:** esme + i have a tradition of having a pillow fight just before we get our shit out from our hotel rooms

 **leslie:** if you ruin the room for the hotel staff ill choke the both of you

 **gaygirl15:** nevermind ill just kill you normally

 **pidgeonator3000:** esmeralda allura's house has a home theatre

 **gaygirl15:** petition to binge ghibli movies the whole day?

 **pidgeonator3000:** signed submitted and approved

 **gaygirl15:** u make me big uwu

 **matterbaby:** i wonder if adam saw my posts about getting engaged

 **matterbaby:** i hope hes ok :/ we were friends too 

 **ann:** i think he did

 **leslie:**... he did

 **leslie:** But Let's Not Talk About That Now

 **leslie:** we'll be home in a bit we're already headed downstairs

 **leslie:** hope my house is still standing!

 **ann:** thank god amintah put out all the candles bc we didnt

 **ann:** we just, like, headed straight for our bedroom after everything

 **ifuckingdied:** we dont need details

 **matterbaby:** best night of my life tbqh

 **pidgeonator3000:** MATT shut UP

 **matterbaby:** I MEANT IN GENERAL U FUCKING GOBLIN

**_3:45 PM_ **

**goblinman:** keith where r u

 **ifuckingdied:** im in the living room w shiro im watching him kick matt's ass in mario kart

 **ifuckingdied:** their marriage is gonna fall apart before it even began

 **goblinman:** be honest with me my beautiful man

 **ifuckingdied:** what is it

 **goblinman:** do i really look like a worn pencil eraser when i cut my hair

 **ifuckingdied:** i think youre the hottest man in the world

 **goblinman:** stop dodging the question

 **goblinman:** this is important its why im putting it in the gc instead of 1v1 because i need more opinions

 **goblinman:** should i let my hair grow out and stop straightening it

 **hunkofgorgeous:** ive been TRYING to tell you to STOP straightening your beautiful curly hair for YEARS

 **goblinman:** i was looking at myself in the mirror just now and i was like, wow, i need a hair cut, but then i remembered esme said i looked like a worn pencil eraser when i did get one

 **goblinman:** and then i was like ok well i can get the hair cut and then straighten it so it looks a bit longer

 **goblinman:** but then i thought why not just cut it then stop straightening my hair altogether and just Restore My Curls so that length is less of a problem for a longer amount of time

 **ifuckingdied:** i think that sounds reasonable bc shrinkage

 **ifuckingdied:** but also ive never seen you with curly hair

 **goblinman:** youve never seen me with glasses either and thats how i wanna keep it

 **ifuckingdied:** YOU WEAR GLASSES?

 **hunkofgorgeous:** lance looks ADORABLE with curly hair + glasses its such a tragedy he doesnt embrace it

 **hunkofgorgeous:** he uses like these like rounded half-rectangle-ovaloid-idk frames but theyre so flattering on him

 **hunkofgorgeous:** you look like a model when u wear them lance youre such. a KING!

 **goblinman:** hunk u hype me up i love u SO fucking much man ur my best friend the love of my life my king my SUN!

 **ifuckingdied:** i wanna see lance in his glasses now

 **goblinman:** omg no babe......

 **ifuckingdied:** show me later 

 **goblinman:** babeeeeeee..... uwu

 **goblinman:** ok but do you think i should cut my hair and let it grow back curly

 **ifuckingdied:** for sure

 **hunkofgorgeous:** ofc

 **goblinman:** im gonna ask my sis and then allura to get Women's Opinions

 **goblinman:** and id ask pidge for their Goblin's Opinion but i feel like theyd just tell me to shave my head and die

 **ifuckingdied:** yeah

 **goblinman:** wait where is my sister

 **hunkofgorgeous:** i think shes in the theatre w pidge

 **goblinman:** ok i will go interrupt

 **ifuckingdied:** if he interrupts i think pidge will claw his eyes out

 **ifuckingdied:** or esmeralda probably

 **goblinman:** OH MY GOD

 **goblinman:** OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

 **hunkofgorgeous:** what what happened

 **goblinman:** I

 **ifuckingdied:** lance what happened is everything ok

 **goblinman:** HIZZUk

**_lanceylance created the group BOY I RAN!!!_ **

**_lanceylance added hunkydory, knifeman_ **

**lanceylance:** GUYS I RAN BACK TO MY ROOM BUT YOU NEEDED TO KNOW THIS

 **knifeman:** lance what happened

 **lanceylance:** i whipped open the door and was about to like, yell out about my hair to annoy my sister and pidge

 **lanceylance:** and THEY WERE ABOUT TO KISS

 **hunkydory:** WHAT HTE FUCK?

 **knifeman:** holy shit

 **knifeman:** wait like. are you sure?

 **lanceylance:** eyes closed. noses together. leaning in. and then they noticed the light from the open door and they turned to look at me

 **lanceylance:** and they froze and i made this weird like scream squeal inhale sound and then i fucking booked it

 **lanceylance:** i was gone i slammed the door shut i thought i heard pidge yell after me but idk

 **knifeman:** oh my god

 **hunkydory:** oh my god

 **lanceylance:** i KNOW but i just had to tell you guys before esmeralda caught me and murdured me to keep quiet

 **lanceylance:** this AND their beds being together at the hotel? im shooketh

 **hunkydory:** THEIR BEDS WERE TOGETHER AT THE HOTEL???

 **hunkydory:** are they finally done with the "she proposed to me but like as friends" mess

 **lanceylance:** god i hope so i locked myself in my room and im hiding in the closet just in case they can pry this memory from my cold dead brain

 **knifeman:** should we, like, tell the rest of the chat

 **hunkydory:** no way we have to wait for pidge and esme to tell everyone else theyre together

 **hunkydory:** lance told us because he couldnt help it 

 **lanceylance:** uwu

_**(esmeraldamcclain) hermanitahermosa >>> (lanceylance) lanceylance** _

**hermanitahermosa:** hello brother

 **lanceylance:** i swear i didnt see anything please spare my life

 **hermanitahermosa:** your life is spared

 **lanceylance:**...huh

 **hermanitahermosa:**... i kissed pidge

 **lanceylance:** BIG OWO!!!

 **hermanitahermosa:** stfu and die 

 **lanceylance:** i thought i ruined the moment esme im so big sorry

 **hermanitahermosa:** u didnt actually

 **hermanitahermosa:** i had to take initiative actually but i mean it was about fucking time

 **lanceylance:** I KNOW 

 **lanceylance:** tell me everything

**_(pidgey) fuckinggremlin >>> (knifeman) sasukewannabe_ **

**fuckinggremlin:** and then it got to like a slow-paced scene in the movie 

 **fuckinggremlin:** and she puts her head on my shoulder and her hair smells so nice even though we used the same hotel shampoo it just smells so much better

 **fuckinggremlin:** and then i kinda like, look at her and then she looks at me

 **fuckinggremlin:** and im having a heart attack and shes staring at me and then she starts like, glancing down and leaning in

 **fuckinggremlin:** and i take the fucking cue because im desperate and not blind and im leaning in too and we're closing our eyes and we're ABOUT to fucking kiss until lance fucking BARGES IN

 **fuckinggremlin:** and then hes like "esme i-- FUCK!" and then he dipped

_**(esmeraldamcclain) hermanitahermosa >>> (lanceylance) lanceylance** _

**hermanitahermosa:** and then pidge sat up straighter and they were about to get up but i grabbed their hand and pulled them back down

 **hermanitahermosa:** and they were like "but lance-"

 **hermanitahermosa:** and i was like "pidge"

 **hermanitahermosa:** and they kinda calmed down and they were like "what"

 **hermanitahermosa:** and i was like "can i kiss you?"

 **lanceylance:** BITCH OH MY GOD!!

**_(pidgey) fuckinggremlin >>> (knifeman) sasukewannabe_ **

**fuckinggremlin:** I DIED!! i was like "yyYyyYYyYYyes"

 **fuckinggremlin:** and then we kissed!!!!

_**(esmeraldamcclain) hermanitahermosa >>> (lanceylance) lanceylance** _

 

 **hermanitahermosa:** and then we kissed!!!!

 **hermanitahermosa:** i died lance im dead

**_(lanceylance) fucker >> (knifeman) miamor_ **

**fucker:** keith is pidge texting you abt esme

 **miamor:** yeah is esme texting u about pidge

 **fucker:** YEAH!!!

 **fucker:** can u believe this gay shit

 **miamor:** reminds me of us but worse

 **fucker:** "i mean we just became friends yesterday"

 **miamor:** shut up shut up shut up 

 **fucker:** i love u

 **miamor:** i love u too

 **miamor:** i wonder when theyre gonna tell the chat

 **fucker:** hopefully soon 

**_shitpost central_ **

**pidgeonator3000:** hello everyone

 **gaygirl15:** pidge and i have an announcement to make

 **leslie:** youre dating

 **gaygirl15:**...

 **pidgeonator3000:**... youve ruined the surprise

 **hunkofgorgeous:** WOOOHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **hunkofgorgeous:** what a BEAUTIFUL couple!!!!!! IM SO HAPPY FOR U

 **goblinman:** my little sister grew up so fast........ instead of fighting the goblin she fell in love with them

 **ifuckingdied:** pidge caught the best cryptid...... esmeralda's heart

 **gaygirl15:** fuck u keith that was my line

 **leslie:** u can still surprise shiro and matt they havent checked the chat since they started playing mario kart 3 hours ago

 **pidgeonator3000:** good god

 **gaygirl15:**... we should do that babe

 **pidgeonator3000:** omg u called me babe... big uwu

 **gaygirl15:** <3333333333333

 **goblinman:** behavior: 0% detectable difference

 **ifuckingdied:** ikr

 **ann:** omg 

 **matterbaby:** that little chaos troll is dating my precious little sibling...............

 **goblinman:** excuse me sir

 **matterbaby:** I MEAN, congratulations to the happy couple!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

 **goblinman:** id roast your sibling matt but the fact of the matter is that both pidge AND my sister WILL make ur life a living hell and theres nothing you can do about it so karma IS a bitch!

 **matterbaby:** not when i have my big strong fiance to protect me!!!

 **ifuckingdied:** shiro is absolutely whipped for anyone younger than him pidge and esmeralda own him

 **ann:** cant really argue with that

 **matterbaby:** and thus begins the end of days

 **hunkofgorgeous:** im so happy for you two id bake u cookies but im tried of cooking so figure it out yourselves

 **gaygirl15:** thanks hunk

 **pidgeonator3000:** Dont Need Cookies When My GF is Just As Sweet

 **gaygirl15:** BABE

 **goblinman:** again. 0% detectable difference


	10. the dream + a recap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pidgeonator3000: how can you talk to the author
> 
> gaygirl15: shes kind of nuts
> 
> gaygirl15: idk how 
> 
> gaygirl15: anyway she doesnt want us to get existentialist so she wants us to recap everything that happened during the shitpost saga
> 
> pidgeonator3000: right. we should do that

_**3:56 AM** _

**_shitpost central_ **

**goblinman:** guys is anyone awake

 **pidgeonator3000:** go back to sleep lance

 **goblinman:** i had a bad dream :(

 **gaygirl15:** im woke

 **gaygirl15:** tell me abt ur dream brother

 **goblinman:** i had a dream that we were IN the show that i mentioned a long time ago

 **pidgeonator3000:** what show

 **goblinman:** the space show with all of us and the lions and stuff

 **goblinman:** but in the dream i like, died then came back to life

 **goblinman:** and shiro died but he got put back in his body or something

 **goblinman:** and keith and i werent together and i got so sad

 **goblinman:** and lotor went crazy and

 **goblinman:** and i was far from earth and i was sad and lonely

 **goblinman:** but then i woke up

 **gaygirl15:** is keith there

 **goblinman:** no he's in the bathroom

 **gaygirl15:** talk to him abt ur dream before u go back to sleep he'll make u feel better

 **goblinman:** it felt so real

 **gaygirl15:** go back to sleep lance

 **gaygirl15:** it was just a dream.

 **goblinman:** ok

 **pidgeonator3000:** is he gone

 **gaygirl15:** yeah

 **pidgeonator3000:** should i delete the chat history again

 **gaygirl15:** no

 **gaygirl15:** its time the author ended this fic now anyway

 **gaygirl15:** ten chapters is about enough

 **pidgeonator3000:** how can you talk to the author

 **gaygirl15:** shes kind of nuts

 **gaygirl15:** idk how 

 **gaygirl15:** anyway she doesnt want us to get existentialist so she wants us to recap everything that happened during the shitpost saga

 **pidgeonator3000:** right. we should do that

 **gaygirl15:** so. keith and lance got together, shiro and allura fought and made up and became best friends again

 **pidgeonator3000:** keith fought lotor and beat his ass up

 **gaygirl15:** matt moved in with shiro

 **pidgeonator3000:** i came to terms w my asexuality, keith found out lance could dance VERY WELL

 **gaygirl15:** gross. and then he fuckin found out he could sing, too, and that didnt help sksks

 **gaygirl15:** you guys found out acxa was keiths cousin fghjk yikes!

 **pidgeonator3000:** and then everyone found out i had a crush on you big uwu

 **gaygirl15:** i guess im just so irresistible ;)

 **pidgeonator3000:** lance was pretty nice about it surprisingly enough

 **gaygirl15:** lance is an AMAZING friend and brother!! he helped hunk propose to shay!!

 **pidgeonator3000:** oh yeah! and then they got caught in this convenient storm 

 **gaygirl15:** the author says dont question it

 **gaygirl15:** and then poor allura got sad and questioned whether she was good enough for a relationship :( 

 **gaygirl15:** and then the author tried to insert an irl game into the fic but it didnt translate well bc u can only play it when your mental processes are impaired from drugs alcohol or sleep deprivation sksksksks

 **pidgeonator3000:** its funnier in person lmao

 **pidgeonator3000:** oh god and then we had to go to the reading of the will and everything

 **pidgeonator3000:** and we found out all of alluras extended family was dead

 **gaygirl15:** that was tragic as fuck

 **gaygirl15:** and thats the end of the first installment,

 **pidgeonator3000:** keiths poetry creations were exposed bc of moi

 **gaygirl15:** SKSKSKSKS BEST

 **pidgeonator3000:** adam was introduced bc that second chapter was written the day after the adashi reveal wasnt it

 **gaygirl15:** yeah she was super stoked LMAO she became an INTENSE adashi shipper overnight

 **gaygirl15:** the adam plot thiccened

 **gaygirl15:** and then keith wanted to fuck mothman or something?

 **gaygirl15:** oh and the james griffin thing SKSKSK

 **pidgeonator3000:** HSHJFHDKHFKDHFK LMAOOO

 **pidgeonator3000:** and then keith bumped into james and knocked his ass out

 **pidgeonator3000:** It's What He Deserves

 **gaygirl15:** what happened after that

 **gaygirl15:** oh right ok klance made up and then I, Holiest Esmeralda, joined the chat lmfao

 **gaygirl15:** still waiting to duel matt

 **pidgeonator3000:** you'll get ur chance

 **pidgeonator3000:** oof and then the beginnings of the proposal god adam being involved STAYED a mess

 **pidgeonator3000:** but im glad everything got sorted out in the end kind of

 **gaygirl15:** yeah tori didnt know how to write out the rest without disrespecting adam bc she LOVES him but she feels like she wrote herself into the corner by making him just waltz in like that

 **gaygirl15:** she disclaims that thats probably not what adam is like and she acknowledges that 100% rip her ass

 **gaygirl15:** but after the proposal we got together!! best ship imho

 **pidgeonator3000:** def

 **pidgeonator3000:** so obviously its only fair we're the ones to end the whole series

 **pidgeonator3000:** i mean we ARE the most attractive couple

 **gaygirl15:** oh most definitely

 **gaygirl15:** its a shame the fic has to end but the author insists it is now well past its due date, and the Main Voltron Timeline is too far different to even compare with this one

 **gaygirl15:** so shes putting us out of our misery basically

 **pidgeonator3000:** do you know whatll happen to us after this?

 **gaygirl15:** she says klance gets married, plaxum and allura dont rly work out but her business Thrives, shatt gets married (and they have kids!), hunay gets married (and they have kids!), lotor becomes a successful hair stylist and helps allura w her business, and we float in eternity as the ultimate chaotic power couple, wreaking havoc in far off lands, a whirlwind romance that turns the universe into shambles and is constantly catching us in on-again-off-again-i-love-you-but-if-we're-together-we-destroy-the-universe dynamics, all very romantic and dramatic

 **pidgeonator3000:** oh fun

 **gaygirl15:** yeah, she's a big daydreamer

 **gaygirl15:** shes starting an original work soon thats similar to that but also not at all

 **pidgeonator3000:** so, like, completely different

 **gaygirl15:** oh well it has to do with space

 **pidgeonator3000:** oh yeah then super similar SKSKSKS

 **pidgeonator3000:** Wait will keith and lance have kids

 **gaygirl15:** no but theyre really cool uncles

 **gaygirl15:** anyway pidge i think its time

 **pidgeonator3000:** youre right

 **pidgeonator3000:** its been fun right

 **gaygirl15:** its been fucking buffoonery 

 **pidgeonator3000:** so fun 

 **gaygirl15:** oh definitely, fun to write, fun to read

 **gaygirl15:** so if you would please do the honors

 **pidgeonator3000:** you got it babe

**_(pidgey) pidgeonator3000 removed (knifeman) ifuckingdied, (lanceylance) goblinman, (trynadie) ann, (mattholt) matterbaby, (princessmonstertruck) leslie, (hunkydory) hunkofgorgeous, and (esmeraldamcclain) gaygirl15_ **

**_(pidgey) pidgeonator3000 deleted shitpost central_ **

**_\-- fin --_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading shitpost central!!!! big thanks and uwus!!!!
> 
> its been a wild ride huh
> 
> check out my other works bros or hmu on twitter @violentmemes
> 
> again thanks for sticking around !!! love you all

**Author's Note:**

> AAAAH HMU @
> 
> TWITTER: @VIOLENTMEMES  
> IG: @VIOLENTMEMES


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